Random Pictures and Special Clothing

Can I fill Mummy's boots? Not yet!

Look, I'm holding a toy.... sort of!

Aren't I cute with my hands in my pockets? he he he

This is a very special bib I am wearing! It is from Beth, Kathlyn's Mum. It was meant to be Kathlyns bib, but unfortunatly she is not here to wear it. Beth and I have become good 'friends' brought together by the loss of our babies.

This is a special shirt as well! It is Breanna's shirt. Breanna is Audrey's daughter who passes away. It's a very special shirt, from a very special friend of Mummys. I'm lucky to know her, but it's very unlucky how we met.

Life with Charlotte has been great so far, of course.

Some nights are quite rough, as she is waking up a lot. It seems she only likes to sleep on someone... which works during the day, but is tricky in the night. I think part of the reason is that she hates sleeping on her back.

Christmas is coming, and it is so bittersweet. I'm looking forward to her first Christmas... but am also still so sad that I don't have Christmas' with Noah... no family Christmas pictures... no 'Noah' on the christmas card.. because really, noone wants a card with the name signed of someone who has passed... but why not??

We still find ways to honour and remember him. We speak of him often, maybe even more often these days as  Charlotte looks so much like him... but it still feels like he is slipping away one more time. I know he isn't. He is always with me.. I'm always thinking of him, always missing him, always loving time. There is just less time now for those thoughts to consume me.... but they are still there. They will never disappear.. and that's an ok thing!

Mothering a living child is great- it's so wonderful to finally be acknowledged as a mother... even though I have been one for just about 2 years.

Jane

Photo Shoot

Charlotte had her first Photo Shoot on November 24th 2009, when she was one week old. Here are a few of those pictures.
The photos were taken by
Hope Hanson-Baker
www.h2photo.ca

Charlotte and I- This picture is meaningful to me, as you can see my 'Noah Locket' hanging from my neck, as I console my fussing daughter. It's as close as the 3 of us can get, I guess.

Again, with Daddy and Charlotte- and out peeks Noah's tattoo! I just love the innocence in this picture- they both look so new- Charlotte so new to the world, Matt- so new to being a

dad to his little girl.

santa who??

'Just the 3 of us'

doesn't Casey look too impressed!

All of us!

Can you guess who 'Santa' is!?

Tuesdays

Tuesdays have a lot of meaning for me.

For 26.5 years, Tuesdays meant nothing, just a mundane, boring, regular day in the middle of the week.

Then, after my Noah was born, Tuesdays became much more memorable, however, much more difficult, like every Tuesday my heart was stabbed again, and again, 52 times that first year. Tuesday was the day of the week that Noah died. Tuesday was no longer mundane, no longer forgettable. Every Tuesday meant one more week that he wasn't with us. One more week that I lived without my son. and for a  long time, One more week without a living child to mother.

Then, in September of this year, my doctor gave me my section date- Tuesday, November 17th 2009. At first, I almost asked for a new one... good things can't possibly happen on Tuesdays... I panicked silently- noone knew my worry- because honestly- if I talked about it- wouldn't people think I was crazy, suberstitious maybe?  But the way I saw it was,  it was setting me up for another problem... would it be the day that my second child died? did I have the date written in a piece of paper in my purse, and then magnitized to the fridge?? Could I possibly go ahead with a Tuesday section.

Thinking back now- this worry seems so silly.. but in other ways.. it's so not silly. I'm sure those of you in the 'baby loss land' understand. Others my think I was being a nutbag!

Anyway... I didn't change the date for Charlotte's section.. I talked myself out of it pretty quickly- I let my 'rational' part of my mind overtake my irrational, baby loss, paranoid, scared, heart...... it's amazing how often I have had to let this 'rational' part take over this past couple years.

Now, Tuesdays have a double meaning. I will still be aware every Tuesday that it is, infact, Tuesday. Because it is, still the day my first born died, the day my baby was taken from me, the day when even my own parents couldn't 'make it better', as they had with ever 'boo boo', every worry, every wrong,  for the prior 26.5 years. But now, Tuesday will also be the day my daughter was born. An ever so stressful, yet ever so amazing day I got to hold me rainbow baby, I got to hear a variety of doctors, nurses and lactation specialists tell me she looks so strong, so healthy- the baby who now lays asleep in my husband's sleeping arms, as I type this with a little bit less heavy heart than I once had. Tuesdays will forever be bittersweet. Tuesdays will forever be memorable. Tuesdays will never just be Tuesday.

Now, I am glad that Charlotte was born on a Tuesday. How many mothers remember every week, the day their child is born?? How many mothers DON"T remember every week, the day their child dies?  I get to remember both.

Noah

Tuesday, April 8th 2008

48 Hours old

Charlotte

Tuesday November 17th, 2009

1 hour old

1st mail, Noah's PJs and decorating for Christmas

My first mail! My SIN number from the Canadian Government

I'm very happy about wearing Noah's PJs! Don't I look beautiful in blue! I can see some cute blue dresses in my future!

Daddy calls me 'Breast Milk Santa' since I wore this outfit! Don't I look happy as a clam! The shirt says 'Baby's 1st Christmas'.... it fit well now, so we thought I should wear it for the decorating festivities!

It's a tradition in my family for the 'baby' in the family to put the Angel on top of the tree! It was always Mummy's job in her family- Now, it's my turn!! Daddy and Gramma are helping, while Mummy takes the picture!

It's been a good week. As you can (maybe) see, she is growing like a good weed! She is much more 'bright' eyed now, doesn't sleep as much, and is more active! it's fun!  Christmas decorating was a whole different ball game this year. Although still so, very, bittersweet- it was nice to have Charlotte- it gave a purpose to Christmas decorating.

Charlotte had a doctor appointment today. She is up to 6lbs 14on... which means she gained 13onces since last Wednesday! that's 8 days! She must be getting lots to eat.. I've worried about that .. since with breastfeeding you can't really tell how much they are getting!

Here I am with my Pink Froggie named Ella.

This frog was given to my by Hilary. Hilary has become a good friend since we met online in the Spring of 2008. Hilary's daughter Leah died of pretty much the exact same rare physical anomaly that Noah died from, just 2 weeks before Noah, a 2 hour drive from here.  We spoke online, on the phone, and have met for coffee and chats a few times. Anyway... because she knows that frogs are very special to my family she gave me this froggie that is her daughter Katies! Katie named her Ella.

Isn't she cute with her new froggie... they are about the same size.
As you can see.. she is starting to grow into her clothes.. but most is still far too big!
Slowly but surely.
We go on Thursday to the doctor to be weighed again!

Jane

TV Debut!

Charlotte was on TV at 8 days old..... and we missed it! But thankfully for the internet, we could watch the clip!

Because the Olympics are in Canada in 2010, the morning news is doing a lot of coverage on the lead-up to it.
The weather man on CanadaAM was asking people to send in pictures of themselves with the 'Red Olympic Mittens' on! So.. my mum wrote down the address to send the pictures too.. and promptly went to The Bay (a store that sells the olympic gear), and bought a pair of mittens. There was only youth size left.. although you wouldn't know that from the clip! Then we took her home, put on her brothers Olympic shirt (bought for him in Vancouver 2 years ago when Mum and Dad visited- so it was more like a dress on Charlotte! Put on the mitts, and took pictures!
We emailed them to CanadaAM, just Thursday night.. then apparently, on Friday morning, she was on TV! My aunt saw it- and emailed my dad to let her know... I even asked in the email for them to let us know when it would be aired, so I could alert the new grandparents.. but i guess they don't do that!

Anyway.. I found the clip- not sure how long it will work... if anyone knows how to save it-please let me know, I can't figure it out! Charlottes part is near the end of the clip- but it is only 1 minute and a bit!
http://watch.ctv.ca/news/clip240032#clip240032

Here are the two pictures we sent in!

Little Lamb

|I Love my lamby swing. I think lambs will be my animal, like Frogs and G-rafs are Noah's. See how small I look compared to the little lamby next to me in the swing!!

Had a dr. appointment today- Charlotte is just about up to her birth weight at 8days. We go back for a check up next week!

A different 'motherhood'

Ohh... I don't like this water thing.. but I do like being clean!

I do like getting my hair washed... as long as it only takes about 30 seconds.. after that- NO FUN!

A close-up of Charlotte in her stroller ready for a walk

Out on our first walk around the block. Once I can go up and down hills (it hurts my incision right now) we will take a little walk to Noah's tree!

She's changing a lot - even though she is only 6 days old. It's nice to see her getting stronger and more alert.

Emotions are running high for Matt and I.. and of course it's a mixture of complete love, excitement, and adoration for Charlotte, and sadness, 'what if's' and wishing things were different for her big brother Noah.

At times, more now than last week- she looks exactly like her brother. It's a good thing- to see 'him' in her. It's nice to know that his siblings, or at least one, will carry on some of his traits- even though it is something so tiny- like the curl  of his lips, or where the crown is on the top of his head.

So far this 'motherhood'- when mothering a child here on earth is at most times, wonderful. We are getting more sleep than I though, although broken. She is eating well, although at times I feel like soon, I will have no nipples left. She sleeps well, although I find myself spending a lot of time watching her on the monitor, or wanting to hold her while she sleeps- so I can make sure she is ok.

I love her so much. As I love Noah. I know what it's like to lose this love, and it's something that my soul cannot take again. I will do everything in my power to make sure she lives a long, happy and peaceful life!

Jane

Close ups

waving 'Hi'

Cuddles with Mummy

Cuddles with beautiful Auntie Kristin, and her dolly

We are home now from the hospital !What a feeling, coming home with a baby after not being able to with Noah.  It's so hard, in many ways, emotional and physical- yet also so, very wonderful.  So far we've breast fed a few times (painful, but great), had a little swing in the swing, and met the puppy.... casey isn't too impressed, but I think he will be okay.

Funny Hair and Dress up

Look- I have a mohawk already!!

Mummy likes to dress me up- but none of my clothes really fits yet!! Apparently 0-3 months doesn't REALLY mean that for all babies! I guess the baggy look will be fashionable at ourhouse for the new month or so (for Mummy and Charlotte!)

Introducing Charlotte!

Charlotte Mary Joan was born on November 17th at 9:28 am, weighing 6lbs 2oz, and 20 Inches long.
She is beautiful, and healthy, and doing well. Right now , her Daddy is having a nap with her on his chest. They are two of a kind!
We will probably be in the hospital until Friday.

Here are just a few of the many pictures!

Jane

12 hours

12 hours until I"m under the knife... to tell you the truth, I have pretty much no anxiety about that part of it all.  I posted about being nervous/anxious on facebook, and I think most people assume I am nervous about the surgery- saying things like 'at least you aren't waiting to go into labour', and soon it will be over etc.... obviously some people don't get it.. and that's ok- because it means that they haven't had to get it- they haven't gone through the loss of a innocent little beautiful soul before.
Anyway.. I'm nervous about after- what if she doesn't cry, what if something is wrong, what if she needs medical intervention, what is she dies..  I think right now I am every emotion you could think of, in a huge way- so much that I'm beginning to feel nothing,
My hope for tomorrow is that I will feel nothing but love.. and I know I will feel love.. and I know my worry is not helping.. and won't stop anything from happening, good or bad..
I guess I just can't help it! I don't even know what to feel anymore.. this has been a long, hard 9 months. I am so glad for it to be over, but I am also so afraid that I am going to again spiral into a deep dark hole like the last time all this happened.  Oh my..
my mind is a big anxious mess.
wish me 'luck'
pray for me
pray for Charlotte
think of us
hope with us
do whatever you can do, from there, to help me get through this- which really, for most of you wonderful ladies- is just being there- supporting me through whatever happens.

Next time I write, I will hopefully be posting birth information, and pictures of my beautiful daughter!

Jane

One Week

One Week.... One Week... seems so close.. yet... so not.

I've been increasingly anxious the past 2 days... so anxious that I'm not sleeping well, and can barely function like a regular person.

Luckily my Mum is hereto cook and clean, and has a clear head on her shoulders.

I wish they could just take  Charlotte out now, so she could be here, and whatever is meant to happen with her, happens. which hopefully will be more 'normal' this time, new to me. I know that won't stop my anxiety... but, I also think in many ways, it will help.

One week.... one week.... ONE WEEK!

Jane

November!

It's November.... It's the month that fate is sealed.. Charlotte will be born this month no matter what. No matter how.. she will come.
It's scary- most people who are pregnant would automatically assume their baby would be born healthy, breathing, perfect... I don't assume that- although I do hope with all that I am that this will be true. Is there a stronger word than hope??... plead, beg, NEED... whatever it is- it is with all my being that I hope she is perfect and breathing and healthy.

Anyway... went on a little trip to labour and delivery yesterday... I've been having weird pain in my bum the past few days.. a friend convinced me to call.. and so, there I went- called.. and of course- my file is one big huge red flag- so they had me come in. I assumed it was just muscle pain- but it was nice to be monitored for a while... nice to hear her heart beat for an hour straight!
everything is fine... I don' expect I will go into labour before my section date (17th).

Got my H1N1 shot today... I had been humming and haaing about getting it.. then, my dad (a research doctor)decided that it was all we could do to protect Charlotte once she arrives- she can't get the shot herself- and I would do anything to have her not sick. So Matt, me, and the grandparents have all been vaccinated. Now.. lets hope there are no long term effects- my dad has researched it a lot, and it seems to have a lot of natural ingredients- and the 'virus' is not active- it's not like putting the flu into your body... so we shall see. It was hard to get in our area- our region tends not to vaccinate pregnant women- luckily my doctors office is one of the only offices to have the vaccine (it's a huge office).

Mum arrives Wednesday! That will be nice!!!! She's so wonderful when she comes- some people would probably think she is crazy.. and maybe that I am crazy for letting her do it- but when she comes- she helps me soo much, she cooks, cleans, tidies- remembers stuff (I have no memory right now), takes the doggy out, feeds the animals... she does a lot... yet she still knows when to back off!! Some people would probably go insane having their mum with them for 2 months! I don't think I will! and if I do... I'll tell  her, and she'll try to fix it!  She'll let me mother Charlotte, and help me when I need it! It will be great! :) Unfortunatly she is coming to a not so clean house.. it's not bad- but I haven't been able to do everything I wanted- because my bum is/was so sore... sweeping, and dusting and vaccuming don't feel great right now... laundry- even worse!

On Tuesday- Matt and I have been invited to be the guests of the Dean of Medicine at Memorial University to attend a big fancy dinner at the Royal York hotel in downtown Toronto.  we were invited  because of Noah really. My dad started the 'Noah Awards', which is an endowment fund. This dinner is a sort of fund raising/allumni dinner for graduates of the medical school. It happens every year- tickets are usually 125 dollars.. we get to go for free! It will be nice to have a fancy night out before Charlotte arrives... clothing though.. well, they'll get what they get! we will see what still fits me!!!  Generally though- people don't really care what pregnant women wear!

There you go- more ramblings from my pregnant scatterbrained mind!!
I can't wait until this blog is used for millions of pictures of my little beauty!

Jane

Can I complain?

Sometimes I feel like me being pregnant again after the loss of my first born means that I don't get the 'right' to complain about pregnancy, to be annoyed..
I feel like some people think I should just be so happy, because- at least this baby isn't dead. at least I can have more.
I know most don't feel this way- maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it's me who feels this way. I can't complain about morning sickness- at least I'm pregnant again.... I can't complain about getting HUGE- at least i'm pregnant again... I can't complain about having a c-section, you know, major surgery after a major anesthetic- at least I made it to full term.... I can't complain if she needsto go to the NICU for a little while for something simple and routine- at least she isn't dead...
Perhaps it is all in my head. But whether it is in my head, or others- it's still there. Does anyone else feel this way being pregnant again? I don't feel it all the time- just sometimes.

Today I was so bored... do I have the right to feel bored?  I've been trying to not spend money (I generally spend too much when I'm bored), and because we had everything ready for Noah- there really isn't much to do... I did some laundry today. (little tiny baby clothes!)... made dinner... brought Matt the lunch he forgot from the fridge this morning.. but other than that... bored.  I know, I know- I shouldn't complain- 3 weeks from now I will be anything but bored- I probably won't be bored for the next 20 years. Should I cherish this boredom?
The problem is.. the boredom makes me think too much about the 'what ifs' .. and makes the time go way too slow.
Tomorrow I have a lunch date with a friend- that will be great!
Friday.. no plans
The weekend is busy with Halloween, Church and dinner guests on Sunday... hopefully this next week at least will go fast.
I just need it to be the 17th now..
Matt even said today 'What if we just went in and said we wanted her now?- She's big enough'.... it's so true.. if only they could take her now- not that there is any medical reason too.. and not because I'm bored.. but because this lead up to her being here is so taxing on my nerves.. anxiety is a silent killer... I swear..
I may have aged 10 years in the past 9 months!.. 20 in the past 19!

Wow.. I sound so ungrateful..really i'm not- I'm just bored.

Jane

Ramblings of a busy weekend

Sunday nights are usually filled with busy work and a little anxiety for the work week ahead- instead- tonight, I am watching TV after a busy, but fun day of organizing and hanging out with my Matty- and I don't have to worry about work tomorrow. It's nice. Mind you- I have a busy week ahead of me- of appointments and things to do. But it's so nice to know that the constant standing and 8 hours on my feet and on my 'best behaviour' is over!

On Saturday my friend, Hope came over to do a maternity photo shoot. It was great- and a little relaxing- in an awkward way :)  But it was nice- to get pictures done- to make sure I have tons of memories from this pregnancy, and for Charlotte to see when she grows up. The pictures weren't your typical maternity shots- they were more lifestyle shots- pics of Matt and I on the couch, cuddling, in the nursery- nice family pictures. It would have been so wonderful to have Noah there... 19 months old... all excited about his baby sister. But instead- since that is impossible, no matter how hard I want it-- Milton- Noah's frog was in some shots!  I should be getting the pictures in a couple weeks- I'll post a few once I do.  I'm generally not a big fan of photos of myself- but hopefully there will be a few I don't mind sharing!

I know it is still October- but I am pretty much done Christmas shopping... and wrapping. There are a few reasons- I felt I needed to shop now because 1. I'll have a newborn during regular shopping time 2. money is always tight in December- so i though i should relieve that a little. 3. I had some time :) . The reason they are now mostly wrapped.. is because I've been storing them in the spare bedroom... and my Mum arrives next week..... I figure she might want a bed to sleep in!!

I would say that I look forward to having a nice sleep in tomorrow.. but I haven't been able to sleep many hours in a row recently.. laying still after a while- really hurts. and I've been having strange dreams. But- it's nice to know that I can nap whenever I want!

There you are.. ramblings from a busy, productive weekend.

3 weeks Tuesday and Charlotte will be here... wow.. seems so soon-but how I wish it were tomorrow!

Jane

4 weeks

34 weeks... last week at work...it's all starting to come together.
Matt finished the baseboards on the main floor.... I cleaned and organized Charlotte's room a little.. it's been an emotional day for me- and I think more emotional times are to come as this new little one makes her way into this world, and as she has her first few days with us. It's going to  be hard- but good, stressful but freeing....can I have a baby who lives? can I practice being a mother instead of being one in silence? feel free not to answer those, as I know everyone will say 'of course'... but it's amazing what goes through your head after you've lost your first born... not amazing actually... horrifying.
4 weeks to go, then I can see her beautiful face, kiss her, cuddle her, read to her.
4 weeks to go, then I can begin healing from the surgery, and start practicing mothering a child on earth
4 weeks to go, until my life will again, change forever, in what hopefully will be a blissful way.
4 weeks, 4 weeks, 4 weeks.

it's amazing how 4 weeks can sound like an eternity to someone in my shoes.
bring on the baths, chocolate, doggy cuddles and shopping... that outta get me though it.... right?

Jane

Ultrasound

Today I had another ultrasound- probably my last one for this pregnancy.
it wasn't a routine ultrasound- but last time I was at the dr's office I asked if it was possible for me to have another- as I tend to be less anxious for a week or so after an ultrasound.. may sound weird- but it works for me,
Anyway- it was a good experience. I had a student technician which turned out to be a great thing. She was so nice, and of course, as I'm sure they have too, she asked me if this is my first pregnancy- and so- of course- she found out about Noah. She was great abut it, and understood why I would be anxious. She talked her way through the ultrasound- unlike most, who tend to be silent, and just go ahead clicking buttons making NO conversation, and NO words of comfort, even after finding out that my first child died as an infant.   Because she was a student, her 'trainer' came in half way through and made sure she did everything correctly-so basically I had 2scans!  I was there for about an hour- which means I got to see Charlotte for about an hour!
She seems to be on for her dates- I am 32 w 3d, she is measuring 32 w 6d.. so really- no different to speak of. She moved a lot during the ultrasound- and I found out that she already has a lot of hair!! you could see it at the back of her head- sticking out! We also got clarification, again, that she, is a she... a bunch of family members have had dreams that we are having a boy.. so we were wondering! I think we can safely assume she is a girl!  It was so nice to see her moving around, sucking her thumb, wiggling her toes.. I can't wait till I can have her out- and she can do all that in her own home! 6 weeks can not come fast enough.. seriously- not because I'm uncomfortable- because really, I am not.. oddly enough, although slower, I am able to do most everything without pain, or discomfort- and I don't have much heart burn this time.  6 weeks can't come soon enough because I just want her here.. I want to know that she is safe, and healthy, and happy.. I want to start this life with her, Matt and I .. this life that will never be the same, and never be exactly right- because we will never have our Noah- but a life, that  I can't change- and so I am willing to embrace this new life we will have... in 6 weeks less a day. willing, wanting, and in so many ways- excited.

So.. 11 school days left... 6 weeks till she comes... yippy!!

Jane

to do

It's 7 weeks away.. it seems so far away.. yet so close.. so attainable, yet so impossible.

It's amazing the things your brain does at the end of pregnancy, much less, at the end of a pregnancy after a previous loss.

But 7 weeks, in anyones time frame really isn't that long. Much shorter than the 38 that I started with.

Things to do before Charlotte is born:

- go through the entire house and de-clutter

- put baby things in appropriate places around the house

- finish adding 'girly' things to her room - putting her name on the wall etc.

- de-tag, and wash her 0-3 month clothing

-organize clothes by size- and find somewhere to store the 'big' stuff

- pack bags for the hospital

-fix the door to her room so that cats can't get in whenever they want

I'm sure there is a lot more- that's just what I thought of on the spot.. I really should make a list... I am losing my brain power quite quickly lately. pregnancy does that.

19 work days left :)

Jane

30 weeks

This weekend marks 30 weeks into this pregnancy. It's a good feeling- because it means there is a high likelihood that I will make it to my scheduled c-section on November 17th (38 weeks). However, it is also hard- gets harder by the day in many ways- I am getting so close to where my happiness was shattered after Noah was born. That is what I know..

41 weeks of healthy pregnancy

relativily uncomplicated delivery

a beautiful baby who looks just like his daddy

36 wonderful hours being a 'normal' mummy

Then..

Boom

rushed to NICU

rushed to SICK KIDS

rushed to surgery

a forever good bye

gone

gone

gone

This is what I know- this is MY 'norm', this is what happened after a full, happy and healthy pregnancy. This is why the end of pregnancy is scary to me. because there are no securities, there are no assurances, there is just- me and Matt, doing this again, praying, hoping and asking that it will be different- but unsure of any of the future. unsure of everything except that our first experience now means that I will never kiss my first born child again.