Here she is... Baby Charlotte at 21.5 weeks
Isn't she cute?? I think she already has an overbite (but so did Noah!)

Name.....

Well, Matt and I have named our little girl! We are very excited about it, and knowing her name helps to give me a bit of a better chance to bond with her- as this pregnancy is so hard- and the future- a good, happy future, is to hard to envision- having had a tragic experience at the end of the last perfect 9 months. So, anything I can do to help that bond, and to help my brain get out of a funk- is good!

We've named her Charlotte. A strong, old-fashioned, yet uncommon name- which we think is lovely! it means 'Little Women', or "Little and Feminine"
We couldn't find any N names that we both really liked- and we didn't want to name our child something that we didn't love!
Charlotte, like Noah and Matt will have 2 middle names.. and although she won't have an N name, she will learn about her brother, and know him well- from the way we live our lives because he was here.

So, I guess I need to change the name of my blog! Can I change the url without anyone who has it bookmarked etc. having to change stuff??
Maybe I'll just change the title.. who knows!

Jane
21 weeks 0 days

Here's the news :)

We're happy, and have lots of pink to buy so she doesn't have to wear alllll blue, allll the time! :)

Ultrasound went well!
Jane

Time

Time is actually going at an OK rate these days. Those first 15 weeks of pregnancy with this little one just went by so slowly- I didn't know what to do with myself.
Being almost half way through now- I can see the home stretch- I can make time into 'chunks' which makes it seem more managable.
For instance- 4 weeks of summer school, 4 weeks of vacation (one of which we have a little baby-moon up north in a cottage), 7 or 8 weeks of school, then 2 weeks of Mat leave before the baby comes! Seems more do-able than when it was 40 weeks of stress!

I'm excited for next week when I have a doctors appointment, hospital registration and an ultrasound all in 2 days! Yippy!



Jane

Update

Well.. the neck and back are MUCH better than I expected- which is wonderful! just a little stiff!!!
Only a couple of weeks until we find out if the baby is a girl or boy! yippy.. that is, if the little one cooperates!

Jane

17 weeks

Can I catch a break please??

My Goodness
I am trying so hard to be positive this pregnancy- so not slip back too much into my crazy anxiety and the parts of the constant grief that I will forever live with that make it hard to function. I'm trying so hard, SO hard.
and then... spotting at 8 weeks, fifths disease at school.. and now... a car accident.

I was rear-ended this morning at rush hour on my way to work. I was just about stopped- as were al the cars ahead of me- brake lights on and all and then BOOM, the car in back of me apparently wasn't watching.

I went to work after exchanging information- and called my husband, and dad. I called the doctor when the office opened and made an appointment.
Right when it hapened, nothing hurt all that bad, just a little tight- but now.. OUCH! I've never had neck or back pain- it's bad!
Dr. says I have whip-lash and gave me a physio referal.
The baby seems fine- good heart beat.
Now we have to deal with insurance and body shops and forms etc. oh my, just what we need!
Speaking of that... must go email the insurance lady!!

Jane

Boy??

Matt came home yesterday and told me that the weirdest thing happened.

A lady, who obviously was renting a car, came in to his office- she looked at him and said- 'you're having a baby'- he said he was a little shocked and said, Yes...... she said 'It's a boy- I just know it'. Matt didn't ask anythign else- as he was a little shocked, and freaked out by this person!

I just think it's funny!! Doesn't make things any different- I still think I'm having a girl this time- and hey- maybe she 'saw', or 'felt' Noah on Matt's mind- and not the new baby?

Anyway- just thought that was interesting!!

Is matt starting to look pregnant??? I don't think so!!! Here we both are with a butterfly from the Butterfly release on Sunday!

Jane

16 weeks 2 days!

Couldn't Wait!

Well... I know I said it would probably take me a few days to call for an ultrasound.. but NOPE.. I found time today before school to call, and book an appointment!
So, hopefully we will know if we are having a little boy, or a girl on July 9th! Yippy!
I"m sort of going through ultrasound withdrawl.. I had 5 before 12 weeks.. and now.. nothing until 19.5,,, ahhh... hopefully I don't go nuts by then.

:)
Just a little update!
Today is 15 weeks, 3 days!


Jane

Phew!

I Like her! Yippy!
Takes a tiny weight off my shoulders.. which is nice.

She came in, and didn't have to ask 'is this your first pregnany'.. etc... she had read my file and history, a week before, and said she took a while to come into the room, because she was reviewing it again, to remind herself of everything. It's nice that she took the time to understand.

Everything seems good- I"ll have to call to get an ultrasound soon- might not have time til Friday, or next week- because I am sooo busy the next few days at school.
Didn't get a section date- but she said it would be about 39 weeks (so around the 20th of November) - unless of course I threaten to go into labour before that.

The next week or so at school is soo incrediably busy- with fun fair and talent show, a free the children workshop, graduation, and of course everything else that comes with the end of school. Then, Luckily I have 2 weeks off before going back for the month of July. Then, 4 weeks until the new year in september... then.. a couple months until I'm off.. with a baby, hopefully for a long time!

Jane

Appointment Tomorrow

Tomorrow I meet my new OB.. the person who will be responsible for dealing with me- a hormonal, worried mess.. which I'm sure will only multiply as the months go on.
I am worried that I won't like her, and I will have to go through the process of having to find someone else... I'm sure she is good though.. she was recomended to me by our geneticist, who I really like. Maybe I'm just worried because I can be.. and right now, the littlest things can get me going.

I"m hoping to get a ultrasound requisition so I can go soon to my 2nd trimester screening.. and hopefully they can determine the gender. I'm also hoping that they will give me a section date- but it may be a little early for that!

Anyway.. keep your fingers and toes crossed for a good, successful visit tomorrow- I just hope I feel some compassion from her .. and that she takes my craziness seriously and doesn't tell me to chill out.. because really.. it's not gonna happen!

:) Maybe I'll post again soon.. with an update :)
Jane

2nd T

Well here we are- at the 2nd trimester.. I think, in the real, regular pregnancy world, I am supposed to feel a huge sense of relief, a sense of excitment. Humm.. I feel it.. a little... i guess.. maybe...

I guess it's because we've been through all this before.. nervous 1st trimester, wonderful 2nd and 3rd trimester, relatively easy birth, 2 wonderful days with the most beautiful little man in the world and then.... BOOM gone.. everything taken away.

We didn't get the- baby comes home, new family walking in the front door, baby meets doggy for the first time, first sleep in baby's crib, first bath at home, first smile.. nothing.. none of it.

It feels like we've done all this before- and although we received the wonderful gift of Noah, we really did get gypt.. really, we did- because we didn't get to see the more wonderful little man grow up, or do all the things he was supposed to do, with the people who love him so much.

I think it's hard for Matt and I to assume that everything will be fine this time- because we did that last time- and it really didn't work out.

We bought a bassinet, basically the only thing we didn't have for a baby, because we weren't going to use one with Noah- he was going to go straight to the crib- Now, I really want the baby in our room with us.. so I can constantly check on he/she without having to get up and leave my room. I have a feeling it will just give me a little more peace of mind.
Anyway- the bassinet- it felt so weird- almost like we were spending the money (and they aren't cheap!) for nothing- like.. maybe we should wait... but I'm glad we didn't. I'm glad we are going things for this baby- similar things that we did for Noah- Picture day outfits (I get the baby an outfit, or piece of clothing everytime we have an ultrasound- for picture day! hehe).. things like that. I'm excited for this baby.. but still am really unable to be certain, or even relatively sure that this baby will come home.. I know, in theory, there is only about 1-2 percent chance of death now.. and about 1.8% of those are before birth, and I know that statistics are with us- as most people don't have two babies die after a healthy pregnancy and birth.... but it happens... it does happen.

I just hope and pray it won't happen to us. I need this baby more than anyone in this world knows. More than I know, I think.

Jane

New Picture

Here's the baby.. actually looking like a baby now :) it was amazing during the ultrasound, you could see it's little spine, and fingers in his mouth (already- like Noah!), and it's little feet!!

So cute! We're starting to finalize some names... it's a hard choice- the name means so much! I don't think we are going to tell many people what we decide to name the baby, we're going to keep it a little secret.. for a couple reasons!

Jane

Telling the World

I told the world today... well, facebook.. that's pretty much the world isn't it??

I'm excited.. but still cautious.. maybe that won't ever go away

Another case of fifths at school... going to have to play it by ear, and maybe be a hand washing crazy person.

Jane

Enough is Enough

And to think- I doing so well at getting my mind at ease in this pregnancy- making sure I was happy and healthy and doing everything I could to ensure this babies health- and to ensure that we did everything right- everything perfect- so that this baby would know how much he or she is loved, and so that pregnancy wouldn't be overshadowed as much as it could be by the loss of their older brother..
First.. the spotting and bed rest..
NOW... fifth disease has shown up at my school where I teach. a completly non-threatening childhood disease to everyone except fetuses in their first 20 weeks. and of course, I am 11 and a half weeks. The problem with fifth disease is that is is like chicken pox in that it is contagious before ANY symptoms are seen, and has a 4-20 day incubation period- meaning there could be none, or MANY children at my school incubating it. and to boot.... I do not have immunity. 50 % of adults are immune because they have come in contact with it before.. but not me.. urgh. So this means I am off work- and I'm not sick- I am off because if I come in contact with the disease and my body contracts it, it could have severe effects on my baby. only 5-10% chance.. but hey, do statistics matter once you've lost a child to something far less common- Nope!

I was getting so close- so excited to tell people in a few weeks- i wanted to should it out to the world that I am pregnant, and that I am happy, and healthy and excited for t his little life. Now, I feel like I need to wait, and make sure everything is ok. it never ends.. seriously.. enough is enough.

Jane
11.6 weeks

Times a Ticking......

Slowly!! I can't beleive just how SLOWLY this 6.5 weeks since I've known Baby N was one her/his way has gone by. Wow, It's amazing how time flies sometimes, and other times, it just can't pass quickly enough. Not that I want my time with the baby in my belly to pass quickly- I love being pregnant... but, I do want to to be over 12 weeks for sure... 30 perferably until I feel a little more confident that we can bring this baby home.
That's the thing- I've caught myself, and I know Matt has too, saying things like 'If we have the baby in November....', and 'If this baby comes home we can....".. things that sound so terrible, probably extra terrible to those who haven't lost a child during pregnancy or infancy- but things that I think about all the time- I'm trying not to over shodow this pregnancy with worry- I love this baby already, I can't wait to have him or her in my arms and to show them everything there is to do, see, learn, hear, smell and love. BUT- there is a little part of me that just can't be completly overjoyed until I KNOW he or she is safe, in my arms, and out of the hospital- once he or she has been checked a million and a half times by a doctor.. to satisfy me that he or she is not in pain, not sick, and completly normal.
Will I be unhappy if I have a child that isn't 'normal', no not at all- I just want a living child- a child who lives long enough to experience things- I don't want to bury another child. I have once, not again.
ahhh... the joys and worries of the 'no longer innocent bliss of pregnancy'- how I wish I was still living in that innocent bliss world- where pregnancy and birth and infancy are all roses and giggles......
So happy to be pregnant, but so sad this baby will never meet their oldest brother, Noah.
Jane

10weeks 5 days

You're there!

Well... we had the ultrasound today after a few days of scariness, and there was a baby there.. heart beat and all!
Not completly out of the woods yet.. I've still got a few weeks before i'm into the second trimester.. but I'm close!
I can't wait until everyone knows, and i start to show, and it's summer... but.. you must wait for good things!

9 weeks

Wow- What a ride this 9 weeks has been.
It's been such a difficult, wonderful, hard ride to get here- but here we are.

Some may think it's a little risky to be starting a blog so early in a pregnancy... esspecially since I've already had a few 'issues'... but.. I need to feel like I have hope- I need to give myself an outlet - somewhere to write- since there are so few people who know about this new baby.

I probably won't write here as often as on Noah's letter blog.. but, I like that it is here if I need it. and I didn't want Noah's blog to turn into a new baby blog- Noah was his own person, he deserves his own blog!

I have an ultrasound today.. to check and make sure everything is ok with the baby... let's hope it's wonderful news!

Jane