Dear Charlotte,

Dear Charlotte,

Your beautiful smile and loving eyes brighten my day.
I wish everyone knew the love of a child. I wish everyone let themselves feel the love of a child- without being busy, rushing through life, without taking things for granted.

Your life- your beautiful life- has lifted me from a dark place. It has reminded me that life is worth living. It has reminded me that God, in fact, is good.

For you I have so many dreams.
Dreams for a long, simple, happy life.
Dreams for a future filled with hope and love
Dreams for you that surpass the dreams I have for myself.

You are only 8 months old.
Yet- I can see you at 2, 5, 12, 17, 24, 32
I see you as a beautiful girl
I see you as a beautiful, lovely teen
I see you as a beautiful, lovely and compassionate woman
Oh, the dreams I have for you.

Looking into your eyes I can see, I can sense that you've been sent here to rescue me
You've been given to me for nothing but good
You're a blessing
It's an honour to call you my daughter.

You are loved Charlotte
So very loved.
Never forget that

Love you forever,
Mummy

Grammie, Grampie and TOYS!

Grammie and Grampie visited me for the whole weekend! We had a lot of fun!
Mummy forgot to take many pictures because she was excited to be able to do other things- like cook, and relax, and do laundry without always having to be worrying about me!

Thanks for the new Penguin toy! it's so much fun!

Grampie is showing me how it works!

Playing on grampie's tummy it a lot of fun!

Oh- and this Jumperoo that you gave me for Christmas-  I just love it now! I bounce and bounce and bounce!! 

See....

and after all that! Mummy and I were tuckered out! Daddy found us like this!

Thanks for visiting! come again soon!

Grandma and Poppy's Visit

Grandma and Poppy visited us last week- on their way to England to visit the newest addition to the family.
Here are some pictures of their visit!

here is grandma and Charlotte:)

here she is hamming in up in her high chair for grandma! she loved being fed by grandma!

Grandma gave her a bath- Charlotte liked to look at her book while she was getting clean!!

here's poppy and C, reading!

doesn't this just look like poppy is telling her stories, and Charlotte is taking it all in?

thanks for the mirror grandma! I love it!!!!!

poppy and grandma sat with me in the back seat. I usually don't like people with me back there.. but I tolerated it!!! Daddy picked out my cow print car seat!!

Peter (my brother) and Kate had their baby. After many hours of labour, and complications, she had a C-section. The baby girl wasn't named for a couple of days, however they finally named her Norah Elizabeth. 

Norah is Noah with an R in the middle of it!!! and Elizabeth is my middle name (and Kate's too). I was honoured when they named her Norah- I"m not sure if they realized how similar it is to Noah, or if that was a thought  when they chose the name- but it means a lot to me. 

I can't wait to meet the little one. They live in England. We have plans to travel there in August! It will be so nice for Charlotte and Norah to meet, and play together.. although, C will be 9months, and Norah will be 3 months-- I think Charlotte will have the upper hand!! 

Anyway, here are a couple pictures of the baby, and family. 

Swimming/Mother's Day

I've just experienced my first Mother's day with a living child. It was definitely a day filled with emotion- but to tell you the truth I was fixated on my brother, and my sister-in-law who were in labour half way accross the world in England. Finally- late last night- we heard that they had a baby girl, 7lbs 8oz. and Mum and Baby are doing fine!. Phew- Ii realized after I had finally heard the news (she has been in the hospital since Thursday), that I was very preoccupied with this- and really wasn't able to relax, enjoy, or do anything with my whole heart until I heard that everything was ok with my niece!

Yesterday at C's swimming classes it was picture day!- at swimming usually there is no photos allowed- for privacy etc. but 2 of the days- it is allowed! yesterday was one of them! She also got a progress report- her first report card!

Here are a few pictures from her swimming- she is with daddy in them all because we take turns going in with her each week- and it was his turn!!!

with grandma before the class started!

It's so great to share all these special moments as a family! but still, bittersweet without my boy

Photo Update

We've had a busy time the last couple of weeks.Here is an update in pictures

Here is Charlotte- she plays with more now, loves her tummy, and her 'Baby Tad'- although she wants us to press the buttons, while she watches!

Here she is- sitting with the help of a big pillow! 

She loves swinging!

This is the dress the Easter Bunny got her! She's she cute!

She loves her apple! and of course, her frog!

and her kitty and bunny!!

On Facebook, Beth said that Charlotte looks a lot like Noah here- and it's true, she does!

This is my cutie in her last time in her baby car seat- she takes after her daddy and is too long for hers! The baby seat was bought for Noah, so it is a few years old, and has smaller measurements than the newer ones. She now has a brand new Britax Marathon carseat- in cowmooflage print- I voted for black onyx- but daddy won - and we got the cow print! he he he!! it's cute!

Here she is with one of the new shirts we got in when we went on a trip to the outlets in the USA. Out for a stroll in the stroller, again, apple doesn't go far (actually this is apple #2- he's attached to the stroller!)

Daddy fixed the grass in our backyard and put some sod in! Here are the kids, trying it out!! 

April 14th was Daddy's birthday! we opened some pressies and had the neighbours over for cupcakes that mummy made! the cupcakes say 'happy 29th Matty' 

Charlotte was sleeping for the photo-op- but these are new aprons made by Grandma DuDu, just for Daddy and C. For all their baking/cooking/gardening/garage working needs!

and today was squash day- she wasn't so impressed!

5 months

I just looked through a DVD of pictures that my friend Sheryl gave me, of Charlotte's baptism. On it, were a few pictures of when she was first born.
It's hard now, just 5 months later to imagine just how small she was, and how much she has grown.
Isn't it amazing how a human life can grow so much just on the love and nurturing of a mother's milk and a happy family!
It amazes me some days.

Here she is with 'Auntie Sheryl' 

November 18th...

April 13th.... What a difference 5 months makes

Imagine.. in another 5 months she will probably look completely different again! 

Dear God

Dear God,

Today I watched Oprah.
Why is it that one woman, can have 14 children
8 of which came at the same time
all reasonably happy.
and I can't have both of mine?
Thank you for Charlotte- she's wonderful.
But why'd you have to take my Noah?


PS: God- unfortunately, no answer is good enough to that last question- sorry, I guess it is a trick

Smiles and twinkles, no more

I find myself worried sick about many people right now.

I have numerous friends/acquaintances/family who are due to deliver their babies within the next few months. Many in the next few weeks, for a couple- days

I can't help but be so scared for them, so worried.

I know what it is like to be 30, or 39, or even 41 weeks pregnant with your first child. So happy, living in an innocent bliss, a pregnancy glow, dreaming of the future and all it has to bring with that child.

I also know what it is like to have that one day, and lose it the next. To go from pure and utter amazement and joy, to devastation and heartbreak in a matter of hours. To see that one beautiful creature you have been waiting for since you were a little girl, who everyone told you, even society tells you- will be perfect- leave, leave, leave- and never return. Dreams shattered, futures changed, that smile- the particular one I used to have- that I will never get back.

I find myself checking their FB statuses, wanting to know how they're doing, if they've delivered- almost waiting for that bad news.  I hope with all my heart, and all my strength that all of their situations will be ones that they've dreamed of- perfect and blissful- and not mirror my situation, in any way. But I can't help thinking- being scared, worrying.
I love these women, these families.

Sometimes I just wish I could call them, go over and see them and tell them what I'm thinking. Let them know that odds of - pre-term labour, stillbirth, pulmonary or cardiac issues, bowel issues- the list goes on.
But I'm not going to. I think people would think I am a freak- scaring these poor women, who are about to imbark on the best years of their lives.
In hindsight- I wish someone told me that my baby dying was not impossible....  I mean, of course I knew it wasn't impossible- I'm a logical person.- But it isn't anywhere- really- 'What to expect when you're expecting'- nope, BabyCentre.com weekly email updates- nope, Monthly doctor visits- nope... It's like this dark cloud lurking- that everyone tries to keep in their blind spot. This thing that doesn't happen to them- only to some people- you know, like, that girl that lives up the street, or, that girl I used to skate with, or that girl that I taught with last year, or, that girl that goes to our church and sits on the left with her tall husband -- yip-- all those-- that's me.
However, in hindsight- I suppose it doesn't matter- No one could ever have told me just how difficult and lonely this road could be. Just how much 2 years later, a little boy, who lived for only 2 days could still mean to me. Just how much I would never, ever feel like myself again. Just how much I can stop caring about so much, for just a long time, just how much it hurts, pains my every nerve, every innermost part of me to life this live- every day- without my Noah.
No one would have convinced me of that when I was blissfully happy and pregnant with him. No one. That couldn't happen to me, could it? That only happens to bad people-poor people- 3rd world country people- unhealthy people-negligent people- Not to Jane and Matt- the couple who are none of those things- the couple who have been together since High School- talking about and waiting for the right time to have children, from pretty much day one. Dreaming of that little boy- who we had--- we had him--- we had him for two whole days- long enough for our dreams to become a reality for our future- but then come crashing down around us.

I think I will always look at pregnant women and be a few things- jealous, nervous, scared and worried.
I wish I was just one thing- happy.
But I'm not
-- welcome new reality-- I hate you
-- goodbye innocent bliss--  I miss you

I leave you- with a few pictures- from when Matty and I had 'that' smile- that twinkle in our eyes- that left us, right along with our first born son. Sure- we are extremely happy right now- we have a beautiful daughter- who is filling our life with so, so, so, much happiness. But we've lost such a big part of ourselves.

I miss those smiles. 

I miss my boy- much, much more.