Slowly!! I can't beleive just how SLOWLY this 6.5 weeks since I've known Baby N was one her/his way has gone by. Wow, It's amazing how time flies sometimes, and other times, it just can't pass quickly enough. Not that I want my time with the baby in my belly to pass quickly- I love being pregnant... but, I do want to to be over 12 weeks for sure... 30 perferably until I feel a little more confident that we can bring this baby home.
That's the thing- I've caught myself, and I know Matt has too, saying things like 'If we have the baby in November....', and 'If this baby comes home we can....".. things that sound so terrible, probably extra terrible to those who haven't lost a child during pregnancy or infancy- but things that I think about all the time- I'm trying not to over shodow this pregnancy with worry- I love this baby already, I can't wait to have him or her in my arms and to show them everything there is to do, see, learn, hear, smell and love. BUT- there is a little part of me that just can't be completly overjoyed until I KNOW he or she is safe, in my arms, and out of the hospital- once he or she has been checked a million and a half times by a doctor.. to satisfy me that he or she is not in pain, not sick, and completly normal.
Will I be unhappy if I have a child that isn't 'normal', no not at all- I just want a living child- a child who lives long enough to experience things- I don't want to bury another child. I have once, not again.
ahhh... the joys and worries of the 'no longer innocent bliss of pregnancy'- how I wish I was still living in that innocent bliss world- where pregnancy and birth and infancy are all roses and giggles......
So happy to be pregnant, but so sad this baby will never meet their oldest brother, Noah.
10weeks 5 days