Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Can I complain?

Sometimes I feel like me being pregnant again after the loss of my first born means that I don't get the 'right' to complain about pregnancy, to be annoyed..
I feel like some people think I should just be so happy, because- at least this baby isn't dead. at least I can have more.
I know most don't feel this way- maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it's me who feels this way. I can't complain about morning sickness- at least I'm pregnant again.... I can't complain about getting HUGE- at least i'm pregnant again... I can't complain about having a c-section, you know, major surgery after a major anesthetic- at least I made it to full term.... I can't complain if she needsto go to the NICU for a little while for something simple and routine- at least she isn't dead...
Perhaps it is all in my head. But whether it is in my head, or others- it's still there. Does anyone else feel this way being pregnant again? I don't feel it all the time- just sometimes.

Today I was so bored... do I have the right to feel bored?  I've been trying to not spend money (I generally spend too much when I'm bored), and because we had everything ready for Noah- there really isn't much to do... I did some laundry today. (little tiny baby clothes!)... made dinner... brought Matt the lunch he forgot from the fridge this morning.. but other than that... bored.  I know, I know- I shouldn't complain- 3 weeks from now I will be anything but bored- I probably won't be bored for the next 20 years. Should I cherish this boredom?
The problem is.. the boredom makes me think too much about the 'what ifs' .. and makes the time go way too slow.
Tomorrow I have a lunch date with a friend- that will be great!
Friday.. no plans
The weekend is busy with Halloween, Church and dinner guests on Sunday... hopefully this next week at least will go fast.
I just need it to be the 17th now..
Matt even said today 'What if we just went in and said we wanted her now?- She's big enough'.... it's so true.. if only they could take her now- not that there is any medical reason too.. and not because I'm bored.. but because this lead up to her being here is so taxing on my nerves.. anxiety is a silent killer... I swear..
I may have aged 10 years in the past 9 months!.. 20 in the past 19!

Wow.. I sound so ungrateful..really i'm not- I'm just bored.


Sunday, October 25, 2009

Ramblings of a busy weekend

Sunday nights are usually filled with busy work and a little anxiety for the work week ahead- instead- tonight, I am watching TV after a busy, but fun day of organizing and hanging out with my Matty- and I don't have to worry about work tomorrow. It's nice. Mind you- I have a busy week ahead of me- of appointments and things to do. But it's so nice to know that the constant standing and 8 hours on my feet and on my 'best behaviour' is over!

On Saturday my friend, Hope came over to do a maternity photo shoot. It was great- and a little relaxing- in an awkward way :)  But it was nice- to get pictures done- to make sure I have tons of memories from this pregnancy, and for Charlotte to see when she grows up. The pictures weren't your typical maternity shots- they were more lifestyle shots- pics of Matt and I on the couch, cuddling, in the nursery- nice family pictures. It would have been so wonderful to have Noah there... 19 months old... all excited about his baby sister. But instead- since that is impossible, no matter how hard I want it-- Milton- Noah's frog was in some shots!  I should be getting the pictures in a couple weeks- I'll post a few once I do.  I'm generally not a big fan of photos of myself- but hopefully there will be a few I don't mind sharing!

I know it is still October- but I am pretty much done Christmas shopping... and wrapping. There are a few reasons- I felt I needed to shop now because 1. I'll have a newborn during regular shopping time 2. money is always tight in December- so i though i should relieve that a little. 3. I had some time :) . The reason they are now mostly wrapped.. is because I've been storing them in the spare bedroom... and my Mum arrives next week..... I figure she might want a bed to sleep in!!

I would say that I look forward to having a nice sleep in tomorrow.. but I haven't been able to sleep many hours in a row recently.. laying still after a while- really hurts. and I've been having strange dreams. But- it's nice to know that I can nap whenever I want!

There you are.. ramblings from a busy, productive weekend.

3 weeks Tuesday and Charlotte will be here... wow.. seems so soon-but how I wish it were tomorrow!


Sunday, October 18, 2009

4 weeks

34 weeks... last week at's all starting to come together.
Matt finished the baseboards on the main floor.... I cleaned and organized Charlotte's room a little.. it's been an emotional day for me- and I think more emotional times are to come as this new little one makes her way into this world, and as she has her first few days with us. It's going to  be hard- but good, stressful but freeing....can I have a baby who lives? can I practice being a mother instead of being one in silence? feel free not to answer those, as I know everyone will say 'of course'... but it's amazing what goes through your head after you've lost your first born... not amazing actually... horrifying.
4 weeks to go, then I can see her beautiful face, kiss her, cuddle her, read to her.
4 weeks to go, then I can begin healing from the surgery, and start practicing mothering a child on earth
4 weeks to go, until my life will again, change forever, in what hopefully will be a blissful way.
4 weeks, 4 weeks, 4 weeks.

it's amazing how 4 weeks can sound like an eternity to someone in my shoes.
bring on the baths, chocolate, doggy cuddles and shopping... that outta get me though it.... right?


Wednesday, October 7, 2009


Today I had another ultrasound- probably my last one for this pregnancy.
it wasn't a routine ultrasound- but last time I was at the dr's office I asked if it was possible for me to have another- as I tend to be less anxious for a week or so after an ultrasound.. may sound weird- but it works for me,
Anyway- it was a good experience. I had a student technician which turned out to be a great thing. She was so nice, and of course, as I'm sure they have too, she asked me if this is my first pregnancy- and so- of course- she found out about Noah. She was great abut it, and understood why I would be anxious. She talked her way through the ultrasound- unlike most, who tend to be silent, and just go ahead clicking buttons making NO conversation, and NO words of comfort, even after finding out that my first child died as an infant.   Because she was a student, her 'trainer' came in half way through and made sure she did everything correctly-so basically I had 2scans!  I was there for about an hour- which means I got to see Charlotte for about an hour!
She seems to be on for her dates- I am 32 w 3d, she is measuring 32 w 6d.. so really- no different to speak of. She moved a lot during the ultrasound- and I found out that she already has a lot of hair!! you could see it at the back of her head- sticking out! We also got clarification, again, that she, is a she... a bunch of family members have had dreams that we are having a boy.. so we were wondering! I think we can safely assume she is a girl!  It was so nice to see her moving around, sucking her thumb, wiggling her toes.. I can't wait till I can have her out- and she can do all that in her own home! 6 weeks can not come fast enough.. seriously- not because I'm uncomfortable- because really, I am not.. oddly enough, although slower, I am able to do most everything without pain, or discomfort- and I don't have much heart burn this time.  6 weeks can't come soon enough because I just want her here.. I want to know that she is safe, and healthy, and happy.. I want to start this life with her, Matt and I .. this life that will never be the same, and never be exactly right- because we will never have our Noah- but a life, that  I can't change- and so I am willing to embrace this new life we will have... in 6 weeks less a day. willing, wanting, and in so many ways- excited.

So.. 11 school days left... 6 weeks till she comes... yippy!!