Sometimes I feel like me being pregnant again after the loss of my first born means that I don't get the 'right' to complain about pregnancy, to be annoyed..
I feel like some people think I should just be so happy, because- at least this baby isn't dead. at least I can have more.
I know most don't feel this way- maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it's me who feels this way. I can't complain about morning sickness- at least I'm pregnant again.... I can't complain about getting HUGE- at least i'm pregnant again... I can't complain about having a c-section, you know, major surgery after a major anesthetic- at least I made it to full term.... I can't complain if she needsto go to the NICU for a little while for something simple and routine- at least she isn't dead...
Perhaps it is all in my head. But whether it is in my head, or others- it's still there. Does anyone else feel this way being pregnant again? I don't feel it all the time- just sometimes.
Today I was so bored... do I have the right to feel bored? I've been trying to not spend money (I generally spend too much when I'm bored), and because we had everything ready for Noah- there really isn't much to do... I did some laundry today. (little tiny baby clothes!)... made dinner... brought Matt the lunch he forgot from the fridge this morning.. but other than that... bored. I know, I know- I shouldn't complain- 3 weeks from now I will be anything but bored- I probably won't be bored for the next 20 years. Should I cherish this boredom?
The problem is.. the boredom makes me think too much about the 'what ifs' .. and makes the time go way too slow.
Tomorrow I have a lunch date with a friend- that will be great!
Friday.. no plans
The weekend is busy with Halloween, Church and dinner guests on Sunday... hopefully this next week at least will go fast.
I just need it to be the 17th now..
Matt even said today 'What if we just went in and said we wanted her now?- She's big enough'.... it's so true.. if only they could take her now- not that there is any medical reason too.. and not because I'm bored.. but because this lead up to her being here is so taxing on my nerves.. anxiety is a silent killer... I swear..
I may have aged 10 years in the past 9 months!.. 20 in the past 19!
Wow.. I sound so ungrateful..really i'm not- I'm just bored.
Jane
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
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4 comments:
Could have written this myself, Jane. Hang in there.
xo
you can complain.. because the difference is, you're complaining, but not TAKING FOR GRANTED. people who havent lost a baby, who are complaining "im so fat!".. are taking for granted how lucky they are to be pregnant/fat. i believe that you are WELL AWARE how lucky you are to have charlotte despite being so unlucky with noah. but that doesnt make the little discomforts of pregnancy disappear. or the anxiety of waiting.
btw.. i tagged you in my friendship award post, in case you hadnt noticed :)
You can complain to me. I can't empathize, because I haven't been pregnant, but I can sympathize.
And just because your baby is alive doesn't mean that your morning sickness didn't suck or that it's hard getting so big.
Boredom sucks. I won't say "enjoy it now because you won't have any time later". I never understood that thinking. We can't "stock up" on time, and use it later when we need it. If we could, I would start stocking up on sleep NOW for when I have a baby (even though that's at least a year away for me). But we can't do that. So, when you're bored, feel free to pick up the phone to call me: 372-2850. I'm usually home most days, unfortunately. You can talk, or you can listen (just ask me about the new dog). Boredom sucks, and it makes me think about bad things, too. About people I've lost - my cousin, my cousin's late son, my aunt, of course your Noah and Sarah's mom, and about my mom's cancer. My mind gets filled with unhappy thoughts when I'm bored, which is unfortunate because there are so many good things in the world to think about.
I doubt you'll be bored much longer with your mum arriving. I know your mum, and I know how great she is. I can understand that some people might find it weird, but if they knew Glenda, they'd know how much her arrival is a blessing for you!
Anyway, enough rambling on my part!
Janie, as Virgos I don't think we do well with being bored. I am the same when I am bored, it drives me crazy and I start thinking too much. I too try and embrace the boredom as I know it won't last but it is not easy for Type A ppl like you and I. Your last line sums it up perfectly. We know you are not ungrateful..just bored!! You have every right to complain- don't worry about what anyone else things. All you can do is be you, and feel what you feel in the moment. Stay strong. You are amazing.
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