Sometimes I feel like me being pregnant again after the loss of my first born means that I don't get the 'right' to complain about pregnancy, to be annoyed..
I feel like some people think I should just be so happy, because- at least this baby isn't dead. at least I can have more.
I know most don't feel this way- maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it's me who feels this way. I can't complain about morning sickness- at least I'm pregnant again.... I can't complain about getting HUGE- at least i'm pregnant again... I can't complain about having a c-section, you know, major surgery after a major anesthetic- at least I made it to full term.... I can't complain if she needsto go to the NICU for a little while for something simple and routine- at least she isn't dead...
Perhaps it is all in my head. But whether it is in my head, or others- it's still there. Does anyone else feel this way being pregnant again? I don't feel it all the time- just sometimes.
Today I was so bored... do I have the right to feel bored? I've been trying to not spend money (I generally spend too much when I'm bored), and because we had everything ready for Noah- there really isn't much to do... I did some laundry today. (little tiny baby clothes!)... made dinner... brought Matt the lunch he forgot from the fridge this morning.. but other than that... bored. I know, I know- I shouldn't complain- 3 weeks from now I will be anything but bored- I probably won't be bored for the next 20 years. Should I cherish this boredom?
The problem is.. the boredom makes me think too much about the 'what ifs' .. and makes the time go way too slow.
Tomorrow I have a lunch date with a friend- that will be great!
Friday.. no plans
The weekend is busy with Halloween, Church and dinner guests on Sunday... hopefully this next week at least will go fast.
I just need it to be the 17th now..
Matt even said today 'What if we just went in and said we wanted her now?- She's big enough'.... it's so true.. if only they could take her now- not that there is any medical reason too.. and not because I'm bored.. but because this lead up to her being here is so taxing on my nerves.. anxiety is a silent killer... I swear..
I may have aged 10 years in the past 9 months!.. 20 in the past 19!
Wow.. I sound so ungrateful..really i'm not- I'm just bored.