Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Photo Update

We've had a busy time the last couple of weeks.Here is an update in pictures

Here is Charlotte- she plays with more now, loves her tummy, and her 'Baby Tad'- although she wants us to press the buttons, while she watches!

Here she is- sitting with the help of a big pillow! 

She loves swinging!

This is the dress the Easter Bunny got her! She's she cute!

She loves her apple! and of course, her frog!

and her kitty and bunny!!
On Facebook, Beth said that Charlotte looks a lot like Noah here- and it's true, she does!

This is my cutie in her last time in her baby car seat- she takes after her daddy and is too long for hers! The baby seat was bought for Noah, so it is a few years old, and has smaller measurements than the newer ones. She now has a brand new Britax Marathon carseat- in cowmooflage print- I voted for black onyx- but daddy won - and we got the cow print! he he he!! it's cute!

Here she is with one of the new shirts we got in when we went on a trip to the outlets in the USA. Out for a stroll in the stroller, again, apple doesn't go far (actually this is apple #2- he's attached to the stroller!)

Daddy fixed the grass in our backyard and put some sod in! Here are the kids, trying it out!! 

April 14th was Daddy's birthday! we opened some pressies and had the neighbours over for cupcakes that mummy made! the cupcakes say 'happy 29th Matty' 

Charlotte was sleeping for the photo-op- but these are new aprons made by Grandma DuDu, just for Daddy and C. For all their baking/cooking/gardening/garage working needs!

and today was squash day- she wasn't so impressed!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

5 months

I just looked through a DVD of pictures that my friend Sheryl gave me, of Charlotte's baptism. On it, were a few pictures of when she was first born.
It's hard now, just 5 months later to imagine just how small she was, and how much she has grown.
Isn't it amazing how a human life can grow so much just on the love and nurturing of a mother's milk and a happy family!
It amazes me some days.

Here she is with 'Auntie Sheryl' 

November 18th...

April 13th.... What a difference 5 months makes

Imagine.. in another 5 months she will probably look completely different again! 

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Dear God

Dear God,

Today I watched Oprah.
Why is it that one woman, can have 14 children
8 of which came at the same time
all reasonably happy.
and I can't have both of mine?
Thank you for Charlotte- she's wonderful.
But why'd you have to take my Noah?

PS: God- unfortunately, no answer is good enough to that last question- sorry, I guess it is a trick

Monday, April 19, 2010

Smiles and twinkles, no more

I find myself worried sick about many people right now.

I have numerous friends/acquaintances/family who are due to deliver their babies within the next few months. Many in the next few weeks, for a couple- days

I can't help but be so scared for them, so worried.

I know what it is like to be 30, or 39, or even 41 weeks pregnant with your first child. So happy, living in an innocent bliss, a pregnancy glow, dreaming of the future and all it has to bring with that child.

I also know what it is like to have that one day, and lose it the next. To go from pure and utter amazement and joy, to devastation and heartbreak in a matter of hours. To see that one beautiful creature you have been waiting for since you were a little girl, who everyone told you, even society tells you- will be perfect- leave, leave, leave- and never return. Dreams shattered, futures changed, that smile- the particular one I used to have- that I will never get back.

I find myself checking their FB statuses, wanting to know how they're doing, if they've delivered- almost waiting for that bad news.  I hope with all my heart, and all my strength that all of their situations will be ones that they've dreamed of- perfect and blissful- and not mirror my situation, in any way. But I can't help thinking- being scared, worrying.
I love these women, these families.

Sometimes I just wish I could call them, go over and see them and tell them what I'm thinking. Let them know that odds of - pre-term labour, stillbirth, pulmonary or cardiac issues, bowel issues- the list goes on.
But I'm not going to. I think people would think I am a freak- scaring these poor women, who are about to imbark on the best years of their lives.
In hindsight- I wish someone told me that my baby dying was not impossible....  I mean, of course I knew it wasn't impossible- I'm a logical person.- But it isn't anywhere- really- 'What to expect when you're expecting'- nope, BabyCentre.com weekly email updates- nope, Monthly doctor visits- nope... It's like this dark cloud lurking- that everyone tries to keep in their blind spot. This thing that doesn't happen to them- only to some people- you know, like, that girl that lives up the street, or, that girl I used to skate with, or that girl that I taught with last year, or, that girl that goes to our church and sits on the left with her tall husband -- yip-- all those-- that's me.
However, in hindsight- I suppose it doesn't matter- No one could ever have told me just how difficult and lonely this road could be. Just how much 2 years later, a little boy, who lived for only 2 days could still mean to me. Just how much I would never, ever feel like myself again. Just how much I can stop caring about so much, for just a long time, just how much it hurts, pains my every nerve, every innermost part of me to life this live- every day- without my Noah.
No one would have convinced me of that when I was blissfully happy and pregnant with him. No one. That couldn't happen to me, could it? That only happens to bad people-poor people- 3rd world country people- unhealthy people-negligent people- Not to Jane and Matt- the couple who are none of those things- the couple who have been together since High School- talking about and waiting for the right time to have children, from pretty much day one. Dreaming of that little boy- who we had--- we had him--- we had him for two whole days- long enough for our dreams to become a reality for our future- but then come crashing down around us.

I think I will always look at pregnant women and be a few things- jealous, nervous, scared and worried.
I wish I was just one thing- happy.
But I'm not
-- welcome new reality-- I hate you
-- goodbye innocent bliss--  I miss you

I leave you- with a few pictures- from when Matty and I had 'that' smile- that twinkle in our eyes- that left us, right along with our first born son. Sure- we are extremely happy right now- we have a beautiful daughter- who is filling our life with so, so, so, much happiness. But we've lost such a big part of ourselves.

I miss those smiles. 
I miss my boy- much, much more.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Daddy's Girl and Back to myself

After I fed and dressed Charlotte for Church on Sunday, I gave her to Matt to hang out with while I popped in the shower.
Look what I found when I got out!

Isn't this perfect. 
Then, I got dressed, put in a load of laundry, and went back into the room- to this!

He he he, Casey even wanted in on the sleeping/cuddling!

I woke up this morning and realized that I have done NOTHING around the house for about the past 2 weeks. Well, Yes, I've cooked meals, and did some laundry. But nothing else. I usually do something each day, or at least clean up after myself.

I think it's the time of year- with Noah's birthday and everything I just get into a funk. A state of numbness, grumpiness and disarray- just waiting for my world to implode on my again.

Of course, nothing has changed. My son is still gone.
But this week, thank goodness- I am able to be me. Somewhat happy most of the time, able to pick my butt off of the couch and sweep the floor, organize a cupboard, wipe a surface. Able to smile again.

I am hoping that at some point, even the week of Noah's birthday I will be able to be myself. Still grieving always, still missing him always- but be myself. That would be nice. Maybe his birthday would actually get celebrated then, and not un-celebrated!

On a side note- anyone heard from Beth? I"m hoping she is just taking a break from the internet world, and that she is OK as she can be right now.

It's s sunshiny day here in Toronto area- once Charlotte wakes from her nap, I think we will go for a nice long walk!

Friday, April 9, 2010

Rice Cereal Test Run

and then, our camera battery died!
Isn't she cute?
I think so!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

We've had fun lately!

Here she is in a little spring dress

We went Geocaching as a family- and found some swings! she's still a little small- but she had fun! She didn't want to go back in her stroller right away... so look what ended up happening!

Casey loved his stroller ride!!! isn't he a silly doggy!

Easter in Kingston

We went to Kingston for the Easter weekend!
Here are a few pictures from our trip!

Grannie Giff was happy to see us! We drove to Smiths Falls on Saturday to have a visit!

Grannie Lloyd came for Easter Dinner on Sunday!  She could hardly stop looking at Charlotte to look up for a picture!

Grammpie helped Charlotte open her Easter gift from he and Grammie! 

Daddy read a few books, while Charlotte listened closely- and held onto her apple!

We all visited Noah's grace, and put balloons and flowers for his birthday!

and look... we even saw the Easter bunny.... carrot and all! 

Charlotte is growing so fast! She now rolls both ways! Today she's rolled 5 times from her back to her belly!! 
She loves walks in the stroller, and hanging out with us at home!

Friday, April 2, 2010

The Roll, The Swim, The Sun, and Kathlyn's outfit..... and Anxiety

Little Miss Charlotte rolled over (finally!)
I saw her do it out of the corner of my eye
She was just waking up from a little tummy nap
and this is how I found her, in her play pen!

She was very proud of herself. 

we had our first swimming lesson last sunday! Here she is in her little swim suit, which is still a little big! She LOVED swimming!

We've had a couple bright, sunshiny days here in Brampton! So we've been doing a lot of this! The minute we start rolling in the stroller- this is what she looks like! Sound Asleep!


Beth, Kathlyn's Mommy sent Charlotte this beautiful little Summery outfit! It fits now! and is just so beautiful on her. I sent Beth a picture, for her album! I really appreciate the outfit. I gave some of Noah's things to people, and love to see when their little one wears it!  This should fit for a while, as her growth has started to even out-- so I'm sure you'll  be seeing more photos in the future!


It's Noah's birthday soon... on Wednesday actually. 
His 2nd birthday.
Ohh, what I'd do to have a little 2 year old running around.. but not just any 2 year old... MY 2 year old, MY Noah.  People who think that subsequent babies can replace the first who is lost are SO wrong. I love Charlotte with all my heart- but she doesn't replace my Noah. He's irreplaceable! 

Just like last year, the time leading up to his birthday, and subsequent 'death' day is so difficult. I relive stuff, in the most vivid ways- I question why, what if, how come? 
I wonder how life would be different
I wonder what I've done to deserve this 
My insides shake with the anxiety of just how I will get through the week ahead without crashing into that big black hole that is forever looming next to me.

Last year- the actual days were far 'better' than the days before.

I think it makes it worse that it's Easter right before. It might even make it worse that we are going to Kingston to 'celebrate' Easter, when all I want to do is be with myself, my Charlotte and my stuff.. at my own house- grieving the way I grieve and doing what I need to for myself. Not worrying about who's going to cry and sputter at the mere mention of Noah's name. I love to talk about him- some in our family- just can't. and that is so hard for me right now... when that's what I need the most- people to be able to talk about him, about his life and his death, about his impact on the world, on them, on me.  

When we're in Kingston, we will put a birthday balloon at his grave, like we always do.  
Hopefully the grass will have started to come up, and it won't be too wet. I'd love to get some pictures of Charlotte with her brother. Some people may think I am crazy for that... pictures with our innocent, sweet baby, with a headstone of her dead brother..... Yip, that's right, you heard that right. It's all I've got. 

I've been feeling a little sad lately for Charlotte. She was born into grief. Born into a lifetime of a lost brother. Born without the protection of a big brother she should have had. It will make life a little more difficult for her, in many ways. Ways people might not think about.. and only she will know. How many siblings do you have? Why are there pictures of a random baby in your house? Who's that Noah name on all those Christmas ornaments? Why are you sad today? Why is your Mummy sad today? Why is your mother so protective, and paranoid when you are even a little sick? These are all questions, and there are many more, that she will have to answer, think about.. Questions she shouldn't have to. 

Ok.. I'm done now.
I could write forever about my anxiety- this time of year-Charlotte and what she will deal with- Noah... but I must stop and continue being a normal, mother