Friday, April 2, 2010

The Roll, The Swim, The Sun, and Kathlyn's outfit..... and Anxiety

Little Miss Charlotte rolled over (finally!)
I saw her do it out of the corner of my eye
She was just waking up from a little tummy nap
and this is how I found her, in her play pen!

She was very proud of herself. 

we had our first swimming lesson last sunday! Here she is in her little swim suit, which is still a little big! She LOVED swimming!

We've had a couple bright, sunshiny days here in Brampton! So we've been doing a lot of this! The minute we start rolling in the stroller- this is what she looks like! Sound Asleep!


Beth, Kathlyn's Mommy sent Charlotte this beautiful little Summery outfit! It fits now! and is just so beautiful on her. I sent Beth a picture, for her album! I really appreciate the outfit. I gave some of Noah's things to people, and love to see when their little one wears it!  This should fit for a while, as her growth has started to even out-- so I'm sure you'll  be seeing more photos in the future!


It's Noah's birthday soon... on Wednesday actually. 
His 2nd birthday.
Ohh, what I'd do to have a little 2 year old running around.. but not just any 2 year old... MY 2 year old, MY Noah.  People who think that subsequent babies can replace the first who is lost are SO wrong. I love Charlotte with all my heart- but she doesn't replace my Noah. He's irreplaceable! 

Just like last year, the time leading up to his birthday, and subsequent 'death' day is so difficult. I relive stuff, in the most vivid ways- I question why, what if, how come? 
I wonder how life would be different
I wonder what I've done to deserve this 
My insides shake with the anxiety of just how I will get through the week ahead without crashing into that big black hole that is forever looming next to me.

Last year- the actual days were far 'better' than the days before.

I think it makes it worse that it's Easter right before. It might even make it worse that we are going to Kingston to 'celebrate' Easter, when all I want to do is be with myself, my Charlotte and my stuff.. at my own house- grieving the way I grieve and doing what I need to for myself. Not worrying about who's going to cry and sputter at the mere mention of Noah's name. I love to talk about him- some in our family- just can't. and that is so hard for me right now... when that's what I need the most- people to be able to talk about him, about his life and his death, about his impact on the world, on them, on me.  

When we're in Kingston, we will put a birthday balloon at his grave, like we always do.  
Hopefully the grass will have started to come up, and it won't be too wet. I'd love to get some pictures of Charlotte with her brother. Some people may think I am crazy for that... pictures with our innocent, sweet baby, with a headstone of her dead brother..... Yip, that's right, you heard that right. It's all I've got. 

I've been feeling a little sad lately for Charlotte. She was born into grief. Born into a lifetime of a lost brother. Born without the protection of a big brother she should have had. It will make life a little more difficult for her, in many ways. Ways people might not think about.. and only she will know. How many siblings do you have? Why are there pictures of a random baby in your house? Who's that Noah name on all those Christmas ornaments? Why are you sad today? Why is your Mummy sad today? Why is your mother so protective, and paranoid when you are even a little sick? These are all questions, and there are many more, that she will have to answer, think about.. Questions she shouldn't have to. 

Ok.. I'm done now.
I could write forever about my anxiety- this time of year-Charlotte and what she will deal with- Noah... but I must stop and continue being a normal, mother


Hope's Mama said...

I hear you loud and clear, Jane. Our babies were born in to such grief and heartache. But also, so much love.
And Charlotte has lovely chubby thighs!!

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