Monday, February 22, 2010

In Daddy's Chair

Well, this has been a crazy week!
As you know, Charlotte has had a bit of a cold. Well, on Friday morning, I got a huge scare. She had blood and mucus in her spitup. Of course, this was just from her cold, and having irritated sinuses- but to a mother whose baby had an 'unnoticed' and 'misdiagnosed' -stuff in spit up- and then later, died- this was very, very, scary.
For a moment, I wondered whether I was only destined to mother young infants before they were taken away from me. I know, to some of you, who haven't dealt with such a loss, this sounds silly, and even in my 'rational mind' it sounds silly.. but beleive me- it was very real that day.

She is doing much better now, still has a stuffy nose, but is much better. She is sleeping a lot, I think because she has a cold, but also, because she is in a great little 'routine' now. Imagine that- I nursed, sang and rocked her to sleep, didn't put her down much as a newborn, and YES, she is now into a routine.... (this is a sarcastic sentence, meant to poke fun at the 'people' who gave me tons of advice at the beginning saying she would never get into a proper routine and be able to put herself to sleep if I continued what I was doing!  HA!) ...

Here she is in her daddy's chair... what a daddy's girl she is!

and practice sitting on her pillow! he he he

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Powder Dish

Remember this post? About my husbands Grandma, who lost 2 children as infants (6 days and 6 months).

A couple weeks ago, when Matt's Mom came to visit, she brought with her a little package, a wrapped package in a bag, with a little tag marked 'FRAGILE'. Inside the package was this:

It's a little tricky to take a picture of it, since it's glass, and I'm not a good photographer!
Inside this was a note, explaining that this was given to Grannie Lloyd for Joan, her daughter, when she was pregnant with her. It is a powder dish, I guess in the 'old days' powder would come in this, with a little brush.
She did name her daughter, but from what she speaks about her- she wasn't allowed to see her, because the doctors knew she was going to die. They thought it would be best if the mother just stayed away. Apparently Matt's Grampie and Great Grandma did see Joan- but they did not allow Grannie to see her. Joan had Spina Bifida, and died when she was 6 days old. Imagine that- nowadays- that would be 6 days to spend with this precious child- however, nowadays- Joan would probably have lived longer.
This little powder dish, which, ironically reads 'Round the clock with baby, is all she had. all she had. everything. no pictures, not even any memories of what her sweet child looked like. no nothing. just this.
Obviously this was special to her, of course it was. Yet, she chose to give it to me, to Charlotte, to Matt. I think she can sense the unfortunate capability we have to understand in some what what she went through. I think she knows that others don't even remember her babies, Joan and Dale. I think that she worried about when she died, if this powder dish would just be another thing thrown in the dumpster- when in actual fact- it is worth more than that- it is priceless.
This little powder dish is precious to me, and is a reminder that NO baby is forgotten by their mothers. This could have been thrown away a long time ago, when she moved, when her husband died, when she made a nursery for her living son, my father-in-law. But it wasn't.. she didn't forget, like the hospital wanted her to.. she remembers, she still does, she always will. So will I.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Sniffles are scary to the BLM

I think Charlotte is getting sick. Just a cold, probably a very regular cold. But that means -sick.
I don't know if I can handle a sick child. Last time my child was sick, he died. I know, I know, a very , very different sickness- but in my anxiety ridden, grieving, protective mother head- she's sick.
We have a regularly scheduled 3 month dr's appointment tomorrow- and so I will have her Dr make sure she is 'as ok as he can see' then... although, as I'm sure many of you know- that won't really help!
I know in my right mind- she will be fine, everyone gets colds, everyone gets over them.... but.. it's still scary.
Oh how Noah has changed me... for the better and the worse I suppose!
I'm definitely a more attentive mother than I would have been if he hadn't died. That's for certain!

Here she is today...

 I know, she looks fine! but she has the sniffles, and it makes me sad. She's slept most of the day, just waking up for massive feeds in between. We've also been so busy lately, I'm sure that doesn't help. I think I may cancel most things for this week and let her rest.

Sunday, February 14, 2010


Charlotte, all ready for church on Valentine's day

Charlotte, 'signing' Daddy's card!
I must say, it's nice to have a living child to celebrate holidays with... although we are always thinking... what if..... what if Noah was here... how would today be different?

Friday, February 12, 2010

All ready for the Olympics!

Not sure if you remember, but in November, Charlotte's picture was on the news. She was 8 days old, and here in Canada, to gear people up for the Olympics, they were showing pictures of people with the Olympic mittens on! We sent in a picture, and of course, because she is so cute- they showed it!
Tonight, for the opening cermonies, I dressed her up again, in the same Olympic shirt, and mittens! Oh how much she's grown! The shirt was bought for Noah, by my Mum, when I was pregnant with him, she travelled to Vancouver and bought it there!

Here is this picture from November- when she was 8 days old, and the Torch Relay accross Canada was just beginning!

Here she is tonight! hasn't she grown! :) The TV will be on a lot in our house over the next couple of weeks! We love the Olympics!

Do you believe? 

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

2 of 4

playdates are getting more and more fun! Charlotte is interacting a lot more, and moving a lot more! good thing, since this was playdate 2 of 4 this week!! hopefully she doesn't get too grumpy!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Playdates are therapeutic!

Today Charlotte and I made a little road trip to Stratford, to visit with Hilary, and her daughters Hannah and Katie.  Hilary and I met, online, just after our children died. Her daughter, Leah, died 2 weeks before Noah, from the same, rare, thing.  I am so glad we met, but so UNhappy that we had to meet. 
Hilary is one of the only person... actually, maybe the only person who truly understands what it is like to be me- a women who lost their child from this illness. She gets me, I get her. We don't see each other often, but we have our own special bond, because of our beautiful children.
How much more fun would this play date have been with Noah and Leah too... much more fun!  But.. we did it anyway-- without them,,, we have to... I suppose we could just live under rocks, waiting for the end to come.. but we try to live each day with purpose- for our beautiful children, dead and alive.
here are some pictures from the day. 

Katie (4), Hannah (5months)and Charlotte (2 months)

The little ones, tuckered out from playing!

Grammie Visits

Grammie visited this week. We had lots of fun together. We went shopping, and did lots of cuddling!

Hopefully we will see her again soon!

Picture updates

Happy in the morning!

In her Bumbo with Rosie Rabbit! :)

Daddy and his girl.

1 word.... eyes!

happy valentines!

playing in her playpen! 

sound asleep after a big feed!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Kitty tummy time??

Charlotte is growing like a weed!! Im not sure of her weight right now, but she is probably around 12 lbs! This is her on the blanket that a good friend of mine made, in her OshGosh dress! 

She, like every other girl.... doesn't like laundry!!  :) hehehe

I borrowed a bumbo chair from a friend (thanks Alicia and Ben!) I love it! Mummy and I have play time in the morning in it- we sing, and smile, and dance!! 

Here she is on her tummy time toy! I think it may be a little too small! she doesn't mind it for short periods of time! BUT.................

Beau, the cat- LOVES it!

Here she is with Matther (her boyfriend:)) His mummy Audrey  is a friend of ours. We met through a bereavement group in the Spring of '08. He is a twin to this little guy...............

Reece!! Next time I will try to get a picture of Reece and Charlotte- and of Grace too! Another friend of ours! 

Grammie Lloyd (Matt's Mum) is here this week! I'm sure I"ll have lots of pictures of our adventures to show next week! 

PS. Me, and the Carters/OshGosh store are a dangerous combination!! :)