Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Happy/Sad Christmas

It's been a strange Christmas... I am so happy, yet so sad, so grateful, yet so angry, so alive, yet so scared to go on without him.

Will every Christmas now be like this with my Charlotte and without my Noah?

we did everything right for Charlotte's first Christmas.. but there was something missing.. and we all knew what it was... i hope we all did anyway.

It's hard to know anymore. Some in our families speak of Noah often- some never do. It's as if he is gone, and forgotten, not just gone. New joy- yes.. but the old sorrow, and horrifying reality that my son has died is STILL here. and I imagine, and in a way hope that it will be forever. I don't want him to be gone and forgotten. If he has to be gone- then surely we can make a point of remembering him, his little life, how he changed us- and honouring him with little things- like ornaments on a tree, lighting a candle, donating to 'the Noah Awards', and speaking of him. Surely we can do this- when we should be buying presents for a vibrant 21 month old little brown haired boy... surely we can just not forget.

When we were in Kingston, as always we visited the cemetery. It was so icy there... so cold. We took Charlotte. Here is a picture of our two babies. How sad.

In Kingston we went to visit Grannie Lloyd, Matt's Grandma. A women, who although many others in her very small family find her 'annoying'... she is a bit of an inspiration to me, Sure, she's an old lady (86), who doesn't hear so well (and refuses to wear her hearing aid), who speaks of her ailments (but hey, she's 86), who seems depressed sometimes (but is just so lonely from lack of family visits that I would be depressed too).. but what inspires me.. is that about 60 years ago.. just a few years apart- this women, had 2 babies at separate times who died. TWO who died.. she is still here.. she made it through... she is alive, and well, she hasn't killed herself or lost her will to live. She is here- she loves, she is often happy, she has gone on with life after two of her sweet infants were taken from her. And that was a time when women whose babies died were told to 'go have another', to 'forget about them', and to 'not take pictures, or save anything from their baby's lives'. I don't know how she does it. I know she wakes up every morning and thinks of them, I know she thinks of how life would have been different. I know she thinks Noah dying is her fault because she says she has 'bad' genes. I don't know how she does it. How she wakes up in the morning spends the whole day breathing, and goes to bed again- just to wake up with those same thoughts of two babies who she didn't have a chance to mother.
Many think she is annoying, predictable, depressed, and unhappy.
I think she is living- and has been for about 60 years since losing the most precious people in her world.
I think she is a women who understands me. One of the only women in my family who does.
I think she is an inspiration.
Here she is with Charlotte Mary Joan - Joan was the name of her daughter who died.
When she held Charlotte you could see the look of relief- that her great-grandaughter is here, and well, and the pure agony.. of the vivid memories that must have come flooding back to her invisioning her babies, who she couldn't keep. God bless her.

I will post more 'typical' Christmas pictures later. I think this post deserves to stand alone without the 'hullabaloo' of our material Christmas.



Beth said...

so beautiful jane. i'm glad you are so kind to her. those old folks have been through more than we have dreamed. what a lovely picture... and i'm so glad she has the name "joan" as a part of her.

Krista said...

I thought Grannie Lloyd seemed like a lovely woman the few times I've met her. (Usually at baby or bridal showers, mind you.) I'm sorry to hear some find her annoying. Sure, she can't hear well; my Grandpa is fairly deaf, too, so I know how frustrating that is for the individual AND for the family. And that picture of Grannie Lloyd and Charlotte is adorable!

I'm sorry to hear she lost two babies. It was a different world back then, with stillbirth and infant deaths being much more common. The only people I know who have lost children are my aunt & uncle, you, my cousin, and a former coworker. It's not as common now, which is good, but it doesn't make it any easier.

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