Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Happy/Sad Christmas

It's been a strange Christmas... I am so happy, yet so sad, so grateful, yet so angry, so alive, yet so scared to go on without him.

Will every Christmas now be like this with my Charlotte and without my Noah?

we did everything right for Charlotte's first Christmas.. but there was something missing.. and we all knew what it was... i hope we all did anyway.

It's hard to know anymore. Some in our families speak of Noah often- some never do. It's as if he is gone, and forgotten, not just gone. New joy- yes.. but the old sorrow, and horrifying reality that my son has died is STILL here. and I imagine, and in a way hope that it will be forever. I don't want him to be gone and forgotten. If he has to be gone- then surely we can make a point of remembering him, his little life, how he changed us- and honouring him with little things- like ornaments on a tree, lighting a candle, donating to 'the Noah Awards', and speaking of him. Surely we can do this- when we should be buying presents for a vibrant 21 month old little brown haired boy... surely we can just not forget.

When we were in Kingston, as always we visited the cemetery. It was so icy there... so cold. We took Charlotte. Here is a picture of our two babies. How sad.

In Kingston we went to visit Grannie Lloyd, Matt's Grandma. A women, who although many others in her very small family find her 'annoying'... she is a bit of an inspiration to me, Sure, she's an old lady (86), who doesn't hear so well (and refuses to wear her hearing aid), who speaks of her ailments (but hey, she's 86), who seems depressed sometimes (but is just so lonely from lack of family visits that I would be depressed too).. but what inspires me.. is that about 60 years ago.. just a few years apart- this women, had 2 babies at separate times who died. TWO who died.. she is still here.. she made it through... she is alive, and well, she hasn't killed herself or lost her will to live. She is here- she loves, she is often happy, she has gone on with life after two of her sweet infants were taken from her. And that was a time when women whose babies died were told to 'go have another', to 'forget about them', and to 'not take pictures, or save anything from their baby's lives'. I don't know how she does it. I know she wakes up every morning and thinks of them, I know she thinks of how life would have been different. I know she thinks Noah dying is her fault because she says she has 'bad' genes. I don't know how she does it. How she wakes up in the morning spends the whole day breathing, and goes to bed again- just to wake up with those same thoughts of two babies who she didn't have a chance to mother.
Many think she is annoying, predictable, depressed, and unhappy.
I think she is living- and has been for about 60 years since losing the most precious people in her world.
I think she is a women who understands me. One of the only women in my family who does.
I think she is an inspiration.
Here she is with Charlotte Mary Joan - Joan was the name of her daughter who died.
When she held Charlotte you could see the look of relief- that her great-grandaughter is here, and well, and the pure agony.. of the vivid memories that must have come flooding back to her invisioning her babies, who she couldn't keep. God bless her.

I will post more 'typical' Christmas pictures later. I think this post deserves to stand alone without the 'hullabaloo' of our material Christmas.


Wednesday, December 23, 2009


testing my signature....

Monday, December 21, 2009

This weekend we went to put the solar christmas lights on Noah's tree... Mum and Matt ended up doing it all, charlotte and I couldn't even get down the hill to his tree in the back by our house.. because it is really icy right now.
Hopefully we will be able to go visit very soon! Instead... we took a picture.

Charlotte is in a wrap thingy.. it's a big long piece of fabric that you wrap around a tie a certain way... and then s he fits in! it's great, and she seemed to like it!

Here is matt, charlotte and I in front of our van after he put the lights up!

Hopefully soon I will have some pictures of the tree all lit up! :)

Things are going well.. Charlotte is making different little noises now, and is even sometimes smiling!


Thursday, December 17, 2009

big girl

Charlotte is now 8lbs 4oz  thats 2.2 bigger than at birth in 4 weeks, I guess my milk works.
I didn't expect her to be that big.. it's funny how when you see them everyday, you don't notice major growth..... how good it is to see her everyday. something I don't take for granted in the least.
I get to watch her grow, eat, smile, love, cry, sleep.... all of these things I didn't get to see with her brother.. all of this things I miss more than anything.
I look forward to a lifetime of growing, smiling, sleeping and crying with my Charlotte.


Sunday, December 13, 2009

Random Pictures and Special Clothing

Can I fill Mummy's boots? Not yet!

Look, I'm holding a toy.... sort of!

Aren't I cute with my hands in my pockets? he he he

This is a very special bib I am wearing! It is from Beth, Kathlyn's Mum. It was meant to be Kathlyns bib, but unfortunatly she is not here to wear it. Beth and I have become good 'friends' brought together by the loss of our babies.

This is a special shirt as well! It is Breanna's shirt. Breanna is Audrey's daughter who passes away. It's a very special shirt, from a very special friend of Mummys. I'm lucky to know her, but it's very unlucky how we met.

Life with Charlotte has been great so far, of course.
Some nights are quite rough, as she is waking up a lot. It seems she only likes to sleep on someone... which works during the day, but is tricky in the night. I think part of the reason is that she hates sleeping on her back.

Christmas is coming, and it is so bittersweet. I'm looking forward to her first Christmas... but am also still so sad that I don't have Christmas' with Noah... no family Christmas pictures... no 'Noah' on the christmas card.. because really, noone wants a card with the name signed of someone who has passed... but why not??
We still find ways to honour and remember him. We speak of him often, maybe even more often these days as  Charlotte looks so much like him... but it still feels like he is slipping away one more time. I know he isn't. He is always with me.. I'm always thinking of him, always missing him, always loving time. There is just less time now for those thoughts to consume me.... but they are still there. They will never disappear.. and that's an ok thing!

Mothering a living child is great- it's so wonderful to finally be acknowledged as a mother... even though I have been one for just about 2 years.


Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Photo Shoot

Charlotte had her first Photo Shoot on November 24th 2009, when she was one week old. Here are a few of those pictures.
The photos were taken by
Hope Hanson-Baker

Charlotte and I- This picture is meaningful to me, as you can see my 'Noah Locket' hanging from my neck, as I console my fussing daughter. It's as close as the 3 of us can get, I guess.

Again, with Daddy and Charlotte- and out peeks Noah's tattoo! I just love the innocence in this picture- they both look so new- Charlotte so new to the world, Matt- so new to being a
dad to his little girl.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

santa who??

'Just the 3 of us'

doesn't Casey look too impressed!

All of us!

Can you guess who 'Santa' is!?

Friday, December 4, 2009


Tuesdays have a lot of meaning for me.

For 26.5 years, Tuesdays meant nothing, just a mundane, boring, regular day in the middle of the week.

Then, after my Noah was born, Tuesdays became much more memorable, however, much more difficult, like every Tuesday my heart was stabbed again, and again, 52 times that first year. Tuesday was the day of the week that Noah died. Tuesday was no longer mundane, no longer forgettable. Every Tuesday meant one more week that he wasn't with us. One more week that I lived without my son. and for a  long time, One more week without a living child to mother.

Then, in September of this year, my doctor gave me my section date- Tuesday, November 17th 2009. At first, I almost asked for a new one... good things can't possibly happen on Tuesdays... I panicked silently- noone knew my worry- because honestly- if I talked about it- wouldn't people think I was crazy, suberstitious maybe?  But the way I saw it was,  it was setting me up for another problem... would it be the day that my second child died? did I have the date written in a piece of paper in my purse, and then magnitized to the fridge?? Could I possibly go ahead with a Tuesday section.

Thinking back now- this worry seems so silly.. but in other ways.. it's so not silly. I'm sure those of you in the 'baby loss land' understand. Others my think I was being a nutbag!

Anyway... I didn't change the date for Charlotte's section.. I talked myself out of it pretty quickly- I let my 'rational' part of my mind overtake my irrational, baby loss, paranoid, scared, heart...... it's amazing how often I have had to let this 'rational' part take over this past couple years.

Now, Tuesdays have a double meaning. I will still be aware every Tuesday that it is, infact, Tuesday. Because it is, still the day my first born died, the day my baby was taken from me, the day when even my own parents couldn't 'make it better', as they had with ever 'boo boo', every worry, every wrong,  for the prior 26.5 years. But now, Tuesday will also be the day my daughter was born. An ever so stressful, yet ever so amazing day I got to hold me rainbow baby, I got to hear a variety of doctors, nurses and lactation specialists tell me she looks so strong, so healthy- the baby who now lays asleep in my husband's sleeping arms, as I type this with a little bit less heavy heart than I once had. Tuesdays will forever be bittersweet. Tuesdays will forever be memorable. Tuesdays will never just be Tuesday.

Now, I am glad that Charlotte was born on a Tuesday. How many mothers remember every week, the day their child is born?? How many mothers DON"T remember every week, the day their child dies?  I get to remember both.

Tuesday, April 8th 2008
48 Hours old

Tuesday November 17th, 2009
1 hour old

Thursday, December 3, 2009

1st mail, Noah's PJs and decorating for Christmas

My first mail! My SIN number from the Canadian Government

I'm very happy about wearing Noah's PJs! Don't I look beautiful in blue! I can see some cute blue dresses in my future!

Daddy calls me 'Breast Milk Santa' since I wore this outfit! Don't I look happy as a clam! The shirt says 'Baby's 1st Christmas'.... it fit well now, so we thought I should wear it for the decorating festivities!

It's a tradition in my family for the 'baby' in the family to put the Angel on top of the tree! It was always Mummy's job in her family- Now, it's my turn!! Daddy and Gramma are helping, while Mummy takes the picture!

It's been a good week. As you can (maybe) see, she is growing like a good weed! She is much more 'bright' eyed now, doesn't sleep as much, and is more active! it's fun!  Christmas decorating was a whole different ball game this year. Although still so, very, bittersweet- it was nice to have Charlotte- it gave a purpose to Christmas decorating.

Charlotte had a doctor appointment today. She is up to 6lbs 14on... which means she gained 13onces since last Wednesday! that's 8 days! She must be getting lots to eat.. I've worried about that .. since with breastfeeding you can't really tell how much they are getting!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Here I am with my Pink Froggie named Ella.

This frog was given to my by Hilary. Hilary has become a good friend since we met online in the Spring of 2008. Hilary's daughter Leah died of pretty much the exact same rare physical anomaly that Noah died from, just 2 weeks before Noah, a 2 hour drive from here.  We spoke online, on the phone, and have met for coffee and chats a few times. Anyway... because she knows that frogs are very special to my family she gave me this froggie that is her daughter Katies! Katie named her Ella.

Isn't she cute with her new froggie... they are about the same size.
As you can see.. she is starting to grow into her clothes.. but most is still far too big!
Slowly but surely.
We go on Thursday to the doctor to be weighed again!