For 26.5 years, Tuesdays meant nothing, just a mundane, boring, regular day in the middle of the week.
Then, after my Noah was born, Tuesdays became much more memorable, however, much more difficult, like every Tuesday my heart was stabbed again, and again, 52 times that first year. Tuesday was the day of the week that Noah died. Tuesday was no longer mundane, no longer forgettable. Every Tuesday meant one more week that he wasn't with us. One more week that I lived without my son. and for a long time, One more week without a living child to mother.
Then, in September of this year, my doctor gave me my section date- Tuesday, November 17th 2009. At first, I almost asked for a new one... good things can't possibly happen on Tuesdays... I panicked silently- noone knew my worry- because honestly- if I talked about it- wouldn't people think I was crazy, suberstitious maybe? But the way I saw it was, it was setting me up for another problem... would it be the day that my second child died? did I have the date written in a piece of paper in my purse, and then magnitized to the fridge?? Could I possibly go ahead with a Tuesday section.
Thinking back now- this worry seems so silly.. but in other ways.. it's so not silly. I'm sure those of you in the 'baby loss land' understand. Others my think I was being a nutbag!
Anyway... I didn't change the date for Charlotte's section.. I talked myself out of it pretty quickly- I let my 'rational' part of my mind overtake my irrational, baby loss, paranoid, scared, heart...... it's amazing how often I have had to let this 'rational' part take over this past couple years.
Now, Tuesdays have a double meaning. I will still be aware every Tuesday that it is, infact, Tuesday. Because it is, still the day my first born died, the day my baby was taken from me, the day when even my own parents couldn't 'make it better', as they had with ever 'boo boo', every worry, every wrong, for the prior 26.5 years. But now, Tuesday will also be the day my daughter was born. An ever so stressful, yet ever so amazing day I got to hold me rainbow baby, I got to hear a variety of doctors, nurses and lactation specialists tell me she looks so strong, so healthy- the baby who now lays asleep in my husband's sleeping arms, as I type this with a little bit less heavy heart than I once had. Tuesdays will forever be bittersweet. Tuesdays will forever be memorable. Tuesdays will never just be Tuesday.
Now, I am glad that Charlotte was born on a Tuesday. How many mothers remember every week, the day their child is born?? How many mothers DON"T remember every week, the day their child dies? I get to remember both.
Noah
Tuesday, April 8th 2008
48 Hours old
Charlotte
Tuesday November 17th, 2009
1 hour old
1 comments:
it's thursday for me. at first i was counting thursdays... now it's faded to more just the 30ths. at least those only come around once a month.
it's amazing. i was JUST thinking today, wondering if you had any pictures of Noah with the vent or after he died. you have so many beautiful ones of him alive.. i wondered if you decided to take anymore at the time when he wasnt. i obviously only had the oppurtunity to do it the one way. i hoped that the fact that you had pictures of him alive didnt prevent you from taking more after he died if you wanted to.
sorry for being so blunt and honest.. but you've told me before that you dont mind when i talk about noah!
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