Friday, September 18, 2009

30 weeks

This weekend marks 30 weeks into this pregnancy. It's a good feeling- because it means there is a high likelihood that I will make it to my scheduled c-section on November 17th (38 weeks). However, it is also hard- gets harder by the day in many ways- I am getting so close to where my happiness was shattered after Noah was born. That is what I know..

41 weeks of healthy pregnancy
relativily uncomplicated delivery
a beautiful baby who looks just like his daddy
36 wonderful hours being a 'normal' mummy
Then..
Boom
rushed to NICU
rushed to SICK KIDS
rushed to surgery
a forever good bye
gone
gone
gone


This is what I know- this is MY 'norm', this is what happened after a full, happy and healthy pregnancy. This is why the end of pregnancy is scary to me. because there are no securities, there are no assurances, there is just- me and Matt, doing this again, praying, hoping and asking that it will be different- but unsure of any of the future. unsure of everything except that our first experience now means that I will never kiss my first born child again.





2 comments:

Hope's Mama said...

Nice to see you back, Jane. I get you, I so get you. My only experience ends in going in to be checked at 40 weeks 4 days and finding no heartbeat. Then delivering a silent baby. I wish I could believe strongly in the happy outcome we're supposed to get - eg, taking your baby home. I'm right behind you, 30 weeks on Tuesday and doing the best that I can.
I'm glad you're hanging in there, too.
xo

September 18, 2009 at 6:33 PM
Beth said...

much love to you... personally im waiting for November 20th for you... past the point of your old normal, into the new one, where you bring charlotte home. and Nov 20th is my mom's birthday so that's easy to remember!

September 19, 2009 at 1:49 AM

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