I'm tired. She hasn't been sleeping well- actually- that isn't true- she's been sleeping great- but either 20-40 minutes at a time, or in my arms. She won't go into her crib for an extended period of time. She used to- but now- she won't. I'm not complaining- I love holding her, but it's much more difficult for me to sleep when siting in a rocking chair. So, latly, I've been going into the spare bedroom with her and I sleep in there. It's comfy, and I can actually lay down, and still be close to her, which is what she wants right now.
I have had people try to give me advice- well, they think it's advice. 'Start as you mean to go on', 'Don't rock her to sleep', 'Don't nurse her to sleep', 'Don't sleep with her beside, or on you', 'Don't place her on her stomach while she is sleeping', 'Keep the light on', 'turn the light off', 'she's too hot', 'she's too cold', 'let her cry it out', 'she's too young to soothe herself','you need to get her on a routine'...... AHHHHHH
I hate it. Can't I just mother her the way I feel is best. Sure- I'm not an expert- I've never mothered a living child for more than 3 days. But I love her- and Matt loves her. We are doing the best we can. I didn't get to rock Noah- so I will rock Charlotte all she wants right now. I didn't get to nurse Noah after my milk came in- so I will nurse Charlotte all she wants- even if it is to get to sleep. I didn't get to place Noah in his crib- so I will place Charlotte there, but if she is disturbed by it, or cries- I will go and get her. I can't comfort Noah- I will comfort Charlotte.
I don't know if I"m doing everything right- actually, I'm certain I'm not in everyone's eyes. BUT- I am here, and I am living, and so is Charlotte. She is happy, and I am happy. She is 8 weeks old tomorrow- surely I can hold her, rock her, and nurse her to sleep, and whenever she wants a little longer without 'ruining her for life'.... surely I can sleep by her side to comfort her. Surely... I know what's best for my child... don't I? Yes, others have been through mothering an infant before, and can tell me things from experience- but have they been through mothering an infant, after their first died? It changes everything. I know I am a different mother because of Noah- and I think- in most ways- for the better.
It's interesting, Sally, at tuesdayshope.blogspot.com , posted a message today about a similar issue... we had our babies on the same day, her Angus was born on November 17th... and I guess we are going through similar stages with our little ones. She writes so well- her latest post really explains how I feel about to issue too.
On another note;
Did I mention I love my pram. It's great. Today Charlotte is a little fussier than usual- and I know- in her pram- she will sleep! so we went out- first for a little walk with the dog- then we kept on going, just the two of us- into the grocery store and the drug store to pick up a few things, and kept going for a nice long walk. It's so freeing.. so nice. I've been looking at that stroller, and it's been looking back at me, waiting, and waiting to be used for 2 years. It's a little bitter sweet- It was bought for Noah- he never got to use it. But it is so nice to finally use it with Charlotte, and love it. I've never loved walking before- but with a stroller, with a living baby- I feel on top of the world.