Monday, June 1, 2009

2nd T

Well here we are- at the 2nd trimester.. I think, in the real, regular pregnancy world, I am supposed to feel a huge sense of relief, a sense of excitment. Humm.. I feel it.. a little... i guess.. maybe...

I guess it's because we've been through all this before.. nervous 1st trimester, wonderful 2nd and 3rd trimester, relatively easy birth, 2 wonderful days with the most beautiful little man in the world and then.... BOOM gone.. everything taken away.

We didn't get the- baby comes home, new family walking in the front door, baby meets doggy for the first time, first sleep in baby's crib, first bath at home, first smile.. nothing.. none of it.

It feels like we've done all this before- and although we received the wonderful gift of Noah, we really did get gypt.. really, we did- because we didn't get to see the more wonderful little man grow up, or do all the things he was supposed to do, with the people who love him so much.

I think it's hard for Matt and I to assume that everything will be fine this time- because we did that last time- and it really didn't work out.

We bought a bassinet, basically the only thing we didn't have for a baby, because we weren't going to use one with Noah- he was going to go straight to the crib- Now, I really want the baby in our room with us.. so I can constantly check on he/she without having to get up and leave my room. I have a feeling it will just give me a little more peace of mind.
Anyway- the bassinet- it felt so weird- almost like we were spending the money (and they aren't cheap!) for nothing- like.. maybe we should wait... but I'm glad we didn't. I'm glad we are going things for this baby- similar things that we did for Noah- Picture day outfits (I get the baby an outfit, or piece of clothing everytime we have an ultrasound- for picture day! hehe).. things like that. I'm excited for this baby.. but still am really unable to be certain, or even relatively sure that this baby will come home.. I know, in theory, there is only about 1-2 percent chance of death now.. and about 1.8% of those are before birth, and I know that statistics are with us- as most people don't have two babies die after a healthy pregnancy and birth.... but it happens... it does happen.

I just hope and pray it won't happen to us. I need this baby more than anyone in this world knows. More than I know, I think.



dragonfly domain said...

My mom told me when I was pg with my daughter... right after my malrotation baby. and death of my 1 year old son... babies heal! having her and being pg with her was one of the most stressfull times of my life. the not knowing if she would have the same problems as her brother. Oh the worry was so hard.

I am hear to tell you. she TURNED OUT PERFECT! I know it isnt a guarante. But she had all her toes and her fingers and her bowls were PERFECT! thank the heavens. she was spot on with those dipers. ;) Her brother after her... even MORE SPOT ON!

I cannot take the worry away. it will be there no matter what. I know that. But I want you to know someone on the other side that has been were you are. you need To hold onto everyday. try to breath deep and know that you need to plan as if He/she is coming home. BECAUSE he/she IS coming home. and you will all heal one another.

Congrats on the 2nd trimester. this is were you CAN breath easier. this is were the knowledge that in only a short time you little angle will be watching you proudly hold his brother/sister in your arms. and your arms will be FILLED with love.

God Bless, hold on, try to relax, and know that we are here if you need to talk. you OR Matt.
Jenn in Alaska

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