12 hours

12 hours until I"m under the knife... to tell you the truth, I have pretty much no anxiety about that part of it all.  I posted about being nervous/anxious on facebook, and I think most people assume I am nervous about the surgery- saying things like 'at least you aren't waiting to go into labour', and soon it will be over etc.... obviously some people don't get it.. and that's ok- because it means that they haven't had to get it- they haven't gone through the loss of a innocent little beautiful soul before.
Anyway.. I'm nervous about after- what if she doesn't cry, what if something is wrong, what if she needs medical intervention, what is she dies..  I think right now I am every emotion you could think of, in a huge way- so much that I'm beginning to feel nothing,
My hope for tomorrow is that I will feel nothing but love.. and I know I will feel love.. and I know my worry is not helping.. and won't stop anything from happening, good or bad..
I guess I just can't help it! I don't even know what to feel anymore.. this has been a long, hard 9 months. I am so glad for it to be over, but I am also so afraid that I am going to again spiral into a deep dark hole like the last time all this happened.  Oh my..
my mind is a big anxious mess.
wish me 'luck'
pray for me
pray for Charlotte
think of us
hope with us
do whatever you can do, from there, to help me get through this- which really, for most of you wonderful ladies- is just being there- supporting me through whatever happens.

Next time I write, I will hopefully be posting birth information, and pictures of my beautiful daughter!

Jane